Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and
the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
~ Jim Morrison
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Ah, real life...
Sometimes reality is bittersweet and longing to escape it isn't out of the realm of logical thinking. But all too often, it's the delusions we tell ourselves that give us the most disappointment. It's not something that I've suddenly known. I've always had a lingering suspicion in the back of my mind. So why is it on my mind today?
I have been spending the week trying to adjust to the new medical schedule that I need to follow in order to get my breathing where it should be. The increased doses and time table leave me little room for the opportunity to sleep in and so I find myself catnapping throughout the day. Upon reflection, I've realized something today. I have crossed the threshold from young adolescence into middle age.
That thought both terrifies and saddens me to the point of wanting to crawl under the covers and never peek my head back out. When did I join the ranks of those receiving AARP papers in the mail or become one of those who has to constantly worry over health? What in the world have I been doing all this time when most of my goals are still waiting to be achieved?
Earlier this week, I had to have my annual bloodwork to check my cholesterol, thyroid and pro-time. Everything came out pretty good except the thyroid was low. I have to be consistent in taking the stupid med now. I was grateful that my cholesterol was where it needed to be because it's one less worry on my shoulders. As I sat listening to the nurse read off the numbers, it hit me. The time in which I could blame things on blissful ignorance or follies of youth was over. I'm too old to know better than to not do what I need in order to be healthier. No one else do what I need to do to help make my days the best that they can be. Only I have that power.
After the phone call, I sat and thought about how time seems to speed away from us when we get lost in the routines of our daily lives. I don't feel like I should be as old as I am. I feel younger. I can't believe so much time has slipped under the bridge. It truly does seem like just yesterday my brother passed and there was still a chance that my family wouldn't fracture into the pieces I have today. I'm disappointed that I have let the days slip by without a fight or trying to knock off these goals of mine. But now that the blinders are off, I can't go back to the disbelief I had before.
Sometimes real life sucks - especially when you realize how much of it disappears while you're trying to live it.
Until next time,
Kay
I have been spending the week trying to adjust to the new medical schedule that I need to follow in order to get my breathing where it should be. The increased doses and time table leave me little room for the opportunity to sleep in and so I find myself catnapping throughout the day. Upon reflection, I've realized something today. I have crossed the threshold from young adolescence into middle age.
That thought both terrifies and saddens me to the point of wanting to crawl under the covers and never peek my head back out. When did I join the ranks of those receiving AARP papers in the mail or become one of those who has to constantly worry over health? What in the world have I been doing all this time when most of my goals are still waiting to be achieved?
Earlier this week, I had to have my annual bloodwork to check my cholesterol, thyroid and pro-time. Everything came out pretty good except the thyroid was low. I have to be consistent in taking the stupid med now. I was grateful that my cholesterol was where it needed to be because it's one less worry on my shoulders. As I sat listening to the nurse read off the numbers, it hit me. The time in which I could blame things on blissful ignorance or follies of youth was over. I'm too old to know better than to not do what I need in order to be healthier. No one else do what I need to do to help make my days the best that they can be. Only I have that power.
After the phone call, I sat and thought about how time seems to speed away from us when we get lost in the routines of our daily lives. I don't feel like I should be as old as I am. I feel younger. I can't believe so much time has slipped under the bridge. It truly does seem like just yesterday my brother passed and there was still a chance that my family wouldn't fracture into the pieces I have today. I'm disappointed that I have let the days slip by without a fight or trying to knock off these goals of mine. But now that the blinders are off, I can't go back to the disbelief I had before.
Sometimes real life sucks - especially when you realize how much of it disappears while you're trying to live it.
Until next time,
Kay
Quote of the Day
Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
~ Joshua J. Marine
~ Joshua J. Marine
Friday, June 28, 2013
Quote of the Day
I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough;
we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do.
~ Leonardo da Vinci
~ Leonardo da Vinci
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Quote of the Day
Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.
~ Les Brown
~ Les Brown
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Sit a spell...
This past week has been an unusually emotional and painful one to get through. I can't honestly say when the emotional ton of bricks landed on me but I know it was before I posted last Tuesday's post. I had planned to take Tuesday through Thursday and work steadily on my crochet projects. I managed to do that until Thursday rolled around. It was a pretty darn good thing that I had a post ready to go in case I wasn't able to sit down and type one up. Unfortunately, I did miss Saturday's posting but it wasn't something that just couldn't be helped. I do hope I can be forgiven for that one.
In regards to the crochet project, I'm still on course to have the 75 hat/scarf sets completed by the end of October as I have planned. I'm currently sitting at 36 finished sets that need the tails sewn in/cut off but I will do that once I have washed and dried them. There's always a little bit of shrinkage that happens with a crochet project. I'd rather not have a bunch of yarn tails sticking out everywhere. I have one more scarf which needs its matching hat to bring my total to 37. That leaves me with 38 to make. Hopefully, I can spread the word out there a bit more and someone will be able to donate a scarf or hat or both! If not, that's okay. I'll still get as many as I can done before the deadline. I want to deliver them to the behavioral center the first or second week of November so that the kids will be able to use them.
Other than that, I've been trapped inside the darkest/coldest room of the house over the past week. Since the blood clot has left me with asthma, adjusting to the heat and humidity is going slower this year than in years past. Not exactly sure why, but I do hope that I'm able to help with things outside of my room soon. I do know that part of the problem is the fact that Arthur and his not-so-nice friends team up to keep me from being able to deep clean my house. Heck, sometimes I can't even do simple straightening without paying for it the next two or three days. I have to pick and choose what I can do and when so that I don't do something dumb and end up missing a doctor's appointment or some special event because I have to recuperate. My cave is currently the only room in the house that has been deep cleaned and that's probably one of the big reasons as to why I don't have a lot of trouble breathing in it. I do want to work my way through the house but we'll have to see how things go - one day at a time.
Speaking of doctor appointments, I was supposed to have one last Friday. It's time for the annual bloodwork to check a whole host of things including blood sugar, cholesterol, and thyroid levels. That was moved to tomorrow because when I woke up on Friday, I forgot the test was a fasting one and ended up grabbing my usual morning stuff. Yeah, I know - not too smart. Yesterday was the visit with the lung doctor. I'm both happy and unhappy with the visit. It was like a Keystone Cops' routine trying to get ready to go see the doctor as everything that could go wrong did go wrong here. Oh, if I had had the luxury of crawling back into bed and pulling the covers over my head, I wouldn't have hesitated in the least bit! But it had been a while since I had seen him due to emergencies on his end and health crappiness on mine. I told him about the trouble that I've been having in the evenings nearly every day. He listened as I explained, checked my lungs and said that they sounded clear but we'd need to do some work on getting the breathing under better control without adding another medication. Since one of my meds is covered under my insurance now, I'm going to be using that inhaler twice a day and bumping my breathing treatments up to three or four times a day. I hate them because they make me so sleepy but they do help. *sigh*
I was also glad that I went because my dad and I bumped into one of the nurses who used to care for my brother when he was in the hospital. I hadn't seen her in a long while so it was great to catch up. She didn't look like she had aged a bit and still had the awesome sense of humor that we all had appreciated in the dark days. A lot of the conversation centered around catching up. It was fine except it made me realize just how long Billy's been gone and how fractured the family has been without him. My youngest brother was right when he said that Billy was sort of like the glue that held the family together. My husband's grandma was the same thing in their family. Once she passed, it was harder to get everyone to come together. All in all, it made me realize that I truly have been missing those that aren't in my life at the moment - no matter the reason they're not there.
Hopefully this week will be better and I can get on the positive side of things for a while. I have a ton of things to get done before October and November roll around. Crocheting, writing and my buddy in the Marines coming home - maybe. We still have to wait and see on that. It'd be awesome to have him for a little while. But duty calls and we all must answer it in our own ways.
Until next time,
Kay
In regards to the crochet project, I'm still on course to have the 75 hat/scarf sets completed by the end of October as I have planned. I'm currently sitting at 36 finished sets that need the tails sewn in/cut off but I will do that once I have washed and dried them. There's always a little bit of shrinkage that happens with a crochet project. I'd rather not have a bunch of yarn tails sticking out everywhere. I have one more scarf which needs its matching hat to bring my total to 37. That leaves me with 38 to make. Hopefully, I can spread the word out there a bit more and someone will be able to donate a scarf or hat or both! If not, that's okay. I'll still get as many as I can done before the deadline. I want to deliver them to the behavioral center the first or second week of November so that the kids will be able to use them.
Other than that, I've been trapped inside the darkest/coldest room of the house over the past week. Since the blood clot has left me with asthma, adjusting to the heat and humidity is going slower this year than in years past. Not exactly sure why, but I do hope that I'm able to help with things outside of my room soon. I do know that part of the problem is the fact that Arthur and his not-so-nice friends team up to keep me from being able to deep clean my house. Heck, sometimes I can't even do simple straightening without paying for it the next two or three days. I have to pick and choose what I can do and when so that I don't do something dumb and end up missing a doctor's appointment or some special event because I have to recuperate. My cave is currently the only room in the house that has been deep cleaned and that's probably one of the big reasons as to why I don't have a lot of trouble breathing in it. I do want to work my way through the house but we'll have to see how things go - one day at a time.
Speaking of doctor appointments, I was supposed to have one last Friday. It's time for the annual bloodwork to check a whole host of things including blood sugar, cholesterol, and thyroid levels. That was moved to tomorrow because when I woke up on Friday, I forgot the test was a fasting one and ended up grabbing my usual morning stuff. Yeah, I know - not too smart. Yesterday was the visit with the lung doctor. I'm both happy and unhappy with the visit. It was like a Keystone Cops' routine trying to get ready to go see the doctor as everything that could go wrong did go wrong here. Oh, if I had had the luxury of crawling back into bed and pulling the covers over my head, I wouldn't have hesitated in the least bit! But it had been a while since I had seen him due to emergencies on his end and health crappiness on mine. I told him about the trouble that I've been having in the evenings nearly every day. He listened as I explained, checked my lungs and said that they sounded clear but we'd need to do some work on getting the breathing under better control without adding another medication. Since one of my meds is covered under my insurance now, I'm going to be using that inhaler twice a day and bumping my breathing treatments up to three or four times a day. I hate them because they make me so sleepy but they do help. *sigh*
I was also glad that I went because my dad and I bumped into one of the nurses who used to care for my brother when he was in the hospital. I hadn't seen her in a long while so it was great to catch up. She didn't look like she had aged a bit and still had the awesome sense of humor that we all had appreciated in the dark days. A lot of the conversation centered around catching up. It was fine except it made me realize just how long Billy's been gone and how fractured the family has been without him. My youngest brother was right when he said that Billy was sort of like the glue that held the family together. My husband's grandma was the same thing in their family. Once she passed, it was harder to get everyone to come together. All in all, it made me realize that I truly have been missing those that aren't in my life at the moment - no matter the reason they're not there.
Hopefully this week will be better and I can get on the positive side of things for a while. I have a ton of things to get done before October and November roll around. Crocheting, writing and my buddy in the Marines coming home - maybe. We still have to wait and see on that. It'd be awesome to have him for a little while. But duty calls and we all must answer it in our own ways.
Until next time,
Kay
Quote of the Day
When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so
long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened
for us.
~ Helen Keller
~ Helen Keller
Monday, June 24, 2013
Quote of the Day
If you hear a voice within you say “you cannot paint,” then by all means
paint and that voice will be silenced.
~ Vincent Van Gogh
~ Vincent Van Gogh
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Quote of the Day
Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.
~ Pablo Picasso
~ Pablo Picasso
Friday, June 21, 2013
Quote of the Day
If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.
~ Tony Robbins
~ Tony Robbins
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Psoriasis: A Review
Not everyone who has psoriasis will also be diagnosed as having psoriatic arthritis. However, anyone with a diagnosis of psoriatic arthritis will have some amount of psoriasis to contend with during their battle with the illness. It can be a simple spot the size of a dime on a kneecap or large patches that cover a limb, back or scalp. While the psoriasis may not be contagious or nothing more than a nuisance with the itching, it can cause a lot of problems with a person's self-esteem and interactions with other people who know little or nothing about the disease itself.
When I was first diagnosed with PsA, I was fortunate that most of the psoriasis was contained to the area behind my ears and a small spot on my right knee.Over the years, I have tried many of the over-the-counter creams, ointments, soaps and shampoos. The rheumy has even given me scripts for prescription strength ointments to keep the psoriasis under control. A lot of them have worked on and off over the years but nothing worked full-time to clear up the patches until I began taking shots of Enbrel on a weekly basis. I had such a reprieve from the pain, stiffness and itching from both the psoriasis and the arthritis. When my husband was laid off, we couldn't afford the Enbrel on our own so I had to stop. It was also around the time that doctors discovered the first blood clot in my lung. In the end, it was back to the drawing board.
Right now, I've not been doing a lot to get my psoriasis under control. The patches have been growing. My scalp is now covered and the one on my knee now covers the entire knee area. I have noticed another patch on my left knee, right elbow and a very small spot on the outside of my right thigh. If they continue to get worse or any of my symptoms continue to intensify, I will have to face a choice of being put back onto a biologic or simply suffering until we can afford to do otherwise.
When I began this blog, I wrote an indepth article on psoriasis. I'll post the link here -> Click here.
I hope that it's helps to get the word out about psoriasis. I'm actually glad to see commercials on television now for Fibromyalgia, Psoriatic Arthritis and Psoriasis. It's sorta like a big "see, I wasn't faking" button. For now, I leave you to the reading and I shall be making scarves.
Until next time,
Kay
When I was first diagnosed with PsA, I was fortunate that most of the psoriasis was contained to the area behind my ears and a small spot on my right knee.Over the years, I have tried many of the over-the-counter creams, ointments, soaps and shampoos. The rheumy has even given me scripts for prescription strength ointments to keep the psoriasis under control. A lot of them have worked on and off over the years but nothing worked full-time to clear up the patches until I began taking shots of Enbrel on a weekly basis. I had such a reprieve from the pain, stiffness and itching from both the psoriasis and the arthritis. When my husband was laid off, we couldn't afford the Enbrel on our own so I had to stop. It was also around the time that doctors discovered the first blood clot in my lung. In the end, it was back to the drawing board.
Right now, I've not been doing a lot to get my psoriasis under control. The patches have been growing. My scalp is now covered and the one on my knee now covers the entire knee area. I have noticed another patch on my left knee, right elbow and a very small spot on the outside of my right thigh. If they continue to get worse or any of my symptoms continue to intensify, I will have to face a choice of being put back onto a biologic or simply suffering until we can afford to do otherwise.
When I began this blog, I wrote an indepth article on psoriasis. I'll post the link here -> Click here.
I hope that it's helps to get the word out about psoriasis. I'm actually glad to see commercials on television now for Fibromyalgia, Psoriatic Arthritis and Psoriasis. It's sorta like a big "see, I wasn't faking" button. For now, I leave you to the reading and I shall be making scarves.
Until next time,
Kay
Quote of the Day
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that
you didn’t do than by the ones you did do, so throw off the bowlines,
sail away from safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore, Dream, Discover.
~ Mark Twain
~ Mark Twain
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Quote of the Day
There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar
means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.
~ Harry Crews
~ Harry Crews
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Quick Post
Just to say that I won't be making my usual post today. I've really fallen behind in the crocheting department. If I am going to get these hats and scarves finished for the kids, then I am going to have to focus on them for a couple of days. So today and tomorrow, I will be doing nothing but crocheting in an attempt to get caught up as much as possible.
Thursday, I'll have a recap of my week thus far and hopefully, an update.
Until next time,
Kay
Thursday, I'll have a recap of my week thus far and hopefully, an update.
Until next time,
Kay
Quote of the Day
No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
~ Maya Angelou
~ Maya Angelou
Monday, June 17, 2013
Quote of the Day
One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.
~ Sigmund Freud
~ Sigmund Freud
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Quote of the Day
Forget all the reasons it won't work and believe the one reason that it will.
~ Unknown Author
~ Unknown Author
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Weekend wishes
This weekend brings with it the celebration of Father's Day here in the US. Unfortunately, it's also a time of sad remembrance for my family as it's the anniversary of a beloved family member's passing. Between the two, it will definitely be bittersweet, to say the least.
To all the those who take on the fatherly role, I wish you a very happy Father's Day. May it be a great day for you and those who love you so.
To Grandma, I love you and miss you. I'm grateful you are up there with Billy and looking down on us.
Until next time,
Kay
To all the those who take on the fatherly role, I wish you a very happy Father's Day. May it be a great day for you and those who love you so.
To Grandma, I love you and miss you. I'm grateful you are up there with Billy and looking down on us.
Until next time,
Kay
Quote of the Day
Persistent people begin their success where others end in failure.
~ Edward Eggleston
~ Edward Eggleston
Friday, June 14, 2013
Quote of the Day
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
~ Albert Einstein
~ Albert Einstein
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Quiet Day
I don't have any energy to finish the blog posts that I've been working on the past few weeks. I want to make this blog a place of learning and not just some web-diary of my life. Yes, my life plays a huge part in what I post but I want to let others who are suffering know they aren't alone as well as inform them of the advancements that have been made to help them.
Today isn't a day in which I feel up the task of doing either of those things. I woke up feeling very tired, swollen and stiff with that familiar "walking on glass" feeling that I get every so often when the weather decides to turn a bit. We are expecting some pretty rough and tumble storms through my area the next few days. I'm not entirely surprised that I feel like crap. Which is why I"m thankful that I have my posting schedule the way it is and I can work on my posts at any time.
Most likely today and tomorrow are going to be spent doing things as gently as possible in order to not cause myself more pain than necessary. Crocheting as much as my hands will allow because I'm really falling behind in my goal with it. Reading to catch up with my giveaway requirements. Maybe some writing if I am inspired. We'll see. Hope the end of the week is a great one for you all!
Until next time,
Kay
Today isn't a day in which I feel up the task of doing either of those things. I woke up feeling very tired, swollen and stiff with that familiar "walking on glass" feeling that I get every so often when the weather decides to turn a bit. We are expecting some pretty rough and tumble storms through my area the next few days. I'm not entirely surprised that I feel like crap. Which is why I"m thankful that I have my posting schedule the way it is and I can work on my posts at any time.
Most likely today and tomorrow are going to be spent doing things as gently as possible in order to not cause myself more pain than necessary. Crocheting as much as my hands will allow because I'm really falling behind in my goal with it. Reading to catch up with my giveaway requirements. Maybe some writing if I am inspired. We'll see. Hope the end of the week is a great one for you all!
Until next time,
Kay
Quote of the Day
Adapt yourself to the life you have been given; and truly love the people with whom destiny has surrounded you.
~ Marcus Aurelius
~ Marcus Aurelius
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Quote of the Day
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.
~ Henry David Thoreau
~ Henry David Thoreau
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Expectation vs Reality
As I grew up, I think I heard every adage out there. The one that I heard the most was often said by my grandmother. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
Sitting here and writing this blog post, my mind tries to convince me that I'm achieving something by sharing my daily struggles in the hopes that another person may find comfort in the thought of not being alone. But really, I think I'm doing this just to keep myself busy and away from thinking too much about the things that I can no longer do. You see, I always intend to do things. Each day I wake up, I have a small listen of things that I want to accomplish. They have run the gamut from getting through my reading obligations to cleaning the house. But I have more days where I have those intentions and are unable to follow through for one reason or another.
The entire weekend was a disappointment in that regard. I had planned out what I was going to be able to clean and for how long, the breaks that I would need to take, and the writing/reading/crocheting that I always have to do right now. It was my intention to have a "normal" weekend doing some of the things that the average person does. Unfortunately, I failed. Rather, my body failed me and I've been feeling depressed since early Saturday over it all. I mean, I'm still on the young side of middle-aged so I shouldn't have any problems with picking up a room, dusting or vacuuming the carpets. I shouldn't have to take more breaks than I planned, turn my oxygen up higher or give up all together because I can't breathe while working.
While sitting here and writing this, I think back to the time when I didn't have to pace myself. As a child, I would spend the weekends with my grandmother and help her clean her home - the entire home on a Saturday. Sunday was spent in church so all the work had to be done the day before. I had expected to carry on that type of schedule or routine as I got older and moved into my own place.The legacy of sorts would live on through me and through the children I might bring into the world. It's overwhelmingly sad that not one, but several chronic illnesses pulled my life from that road and placed my feet upon one that I would have never chosen freely.
Every once in a while, the gravity of my situation overwhelms me and I feel the full weight of everything upon my shoulders. It colors my whole world grey and I feel listless, unable to control the simplest aspect of my life. When I'm not able to achieve even small goals like straightening a room or running the dishwasher without difficulty, it makes me feel a thousand times more down and worthless. These are the moments when I have to face the reality of chronic illness and my limitations. If I don't, I can't move forward or have any sense of a life at all. In a perfect world, I never would have gotten sick, my brother wouldn't have passed away and my family wouldn't have fallen apart.
In all honesty, it has taken a lot of soul searching, a lot of tears, a ton of anger and many years for me to get to the point where I can deal with what I feel that I've lost. There are times when the grip I have on the depression slips and I end up not wanting to get out of bed. I rant, I rave and I cry until the balance is somewhat restored. It allows me to move forward, concentrating on the more important things in life. I'm not SuperWoman and I don't ever claim to be. I just hope to have a period of time to enjoy this life I have been given, whether I walk a smooth or rough path.
Maybe my acceptance of limitations isn't as complete as I thought. Maybe I need to spend more time focusing on what I have been able to do while pushing myself just a little more in order to recapture some of the things I've lost. I don't know what the answer really is. I only know that I haven't found a way to do what I feel I need to do nor have I found the answer to keep the depression and disappointment from taking over. For me, it's back to distracting myself with projects that I have to concentrate on so I don't have time to linger over the things I have no ability to change. Which is always going to be on my list of expectations or intentions.
Until next time,
Kay
Sitting here and writing this blog post, my mind tries to convince me that I'm achieving something by sharing my daily struggles in the hopes that another person may find comfort in the thought of not being alone. But really, I think I'm doing this just to keep myself busy and away from thinking too much about the things that I can no longer do. You see, I always intend to do things. Each day I wake up, I have a small listen of things that I want to accomplish. They have run the gamut from getting through my reading obligations to cleaning the house. But I have more days where I have those intentions and are unable to follow through for one reason or another.
The entire weekend was a disappointment in that regard. I had planned out what I was going to be able to clean and for how long, the breaks that I would need to take, and the writing/reading/crocheting that I always have to do right now. It was my intention to have a "normal" weekend doing some of the things that the average person does. Unfortunately, I failed. Rather, my body failed me and I've been feeling depressed since early Saturday over it all. I mean, I'm still on the young side of middle-aged so I shouldn't have any problems with picking up a room, dusting or vacuuming the carpets. I shouldn't have to take more breaks than I planned, turn my oxygen up higher or give up all together because I can't breathe while working.
While sitting here and writing this, I think back to the time when I didn't have to pace myself. As a child, I would spend the weekends with my grandmother and help her clean her home - the entire home on a Saturday. Sunday was spent in church so all the work had to be done the day before. I had expected to carry on that type of schedule or routine as I got older and moved into my own place.The legacy of sorts would live on through me and through the children I might bring into the world. It's overwhelmingly sad that not one, but several chronic illnesses pulled my life from that road and placed my feet upon one that I would have never chosen freely.
Every once in a while, the gravity of my situation overwhelms me and I feel the full weight of everything upon my shoulders. It colors my whole world grey and I feel listless, unable to control the simplest aspect of my life. When I'm not able to achieve even small goals like straightening a room or running the dishwasher without difficulty, it makes me feel a thousand times more down and worthless. These are the moments when I have to face the reality of chronic illness and my limitations. If I don't, I can't move forward or have any sense of a life at all. In a perfect world, I never would have gotten sick, my brother wouldn't have passed away and my family wouldn't have fallen apart.
In all honesty, it has taken a lot of soul searching, a lot of tears, a ton of anger and many years for me to get to the point where I can deal with what I feel that I've lost. There are times when the grip I have on the depression slips and I end up not wanting to get out of bed. I rant, I rave and I cry until the balance is somewhat restored. It allows me to move forward, concentrating on the more important things in life. I'm not SuperWoman and I don't ever claim to be. I just hope to have a period of time to enjoy this life I have been given, whether I walk a smooth or rough path.
Maybe my acceptance of limitations isn't as complete as I thought. Maybe I need to spend more time focusing on what I have been able to do while pushing myself just a little more in order to recapture some of the things I've lost. I don't know what the answer really is. I only know that I haven't found a way to do what I feel I need to do nor have I found the answer to keep the depression and disappointment from taking over. For me, it's back to distracting myself with projects that I have to concentrate on so I don't have time to linger over the things I have no ability to change. Which is always going to be on my list of expectations or intentions.
Until next time,
Kay
Monday, June 10, 2013
Quote of the Day
We can change our lives. We can do, have, and be exactly what we wish.
~ Tony Robbins
~ Tony Robbins
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Quote of the Day
You are always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past.
~ Richard Bach
~ Richard Bach
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Thank goodness for the weekend.
The weekend looks to be a nice one here. We're supposed to have some mild weather with the possibility of some rain. I hope that if we do have rain, it's some of those soothing showers and not some frantic thunderstorm. I completely hate this time of year whenever we begin to get storms. We don't live in the middle of Tornado Alley but we do have a severe threat through the summer. To be honest, I breathe a huge sigh of relief whenever the seasons turn to Fall. If the weather stays stable over the weekend as I hope, then I'll be able to get a few things done that I've been putting off due to lack of energy or mobility. It would be so awesome to be able to swish through the house and clean from corner to corner of each room. That's a dream that I haven't been able to achieve on my own in a very long time. But today, I'll be happy to have one room in the house completely cleaned and then I can move on from there.
To be honest, I haven't been doing as much as I had last week. When the weather fronts begin to come through my area, my joints seize up and my upper back and neck area feels as though it turns to stone. Even if I have the energy to do anything, I may not have the ability so I do try to take advantage of the moments when I do have both. Those moments sometimes come in the middle of the night. But every little bit helps. In the past week, I have still been working on my many projects. I have managed to finish three books and post the reviews on the other blog. Finally, I began crocheting the hats to match the scarves that I finished last week. One down, three to go. Actually, I am about halfway done with the second one. Even though I haven't been able to revise my novel too much last week, I did do some writing on a couple of new stories.
For now, I feel a nap is in order. I have to catch up on my sleep while the hubby's around. My poor little furkid is having trouble with dry skin, especially around his ears. We've tried soothing shampoos, ointments and making sure his ears stay clean, but with the hot/cold/hot/cold that the weather's been through, it's been difficult to keep him from scratching himself to death. That and he's a night owl just like me anyway. Always wants to play at 2 or 3 am instead of catching up on sleep.
Whatever you find yourself doing this weekend, I hope you have great weather and a wonderful time.
Until next time,
Kay
To be honest, I haven't been doing as much as I had last week. When the weather fronts begin to come through my area, my joints seize up and my upper back and neck area feels as though it turns to stone. Even if I have the energy to do anything, I may not have the ability so I do try to take advantage of the moments when I do have both. Those moments sometimes come in the middle of the night. But every little bit helps. In the past week, I have still been working on my many projects. I have managed to finish three books and post the reviews on the other blog. Finally, I began crocheting the hats to match the scarves that I finished last week. One down, three to go. Actually, I am about halfway done with the second one. Even though I haven't been able to revise my novel too much last week, I did do some writing on a couple of new stories.
For now, I feel a nap is in order. I have to catch up on my sleep while the hubby's around. My poor little furkid is having trouble with dry skin, especially around his ears. We've tried soothing shampoos, ointments and making sure his ears stay clean, but with the hot/cold/hot/cold that the weather's been through, it's been difficult to keep him from scratching himself to death. That and he's a night owl just like me anyway. Always wants to play at 2 or 3 am instead of catching up on sleep.
Whatever you find yourself doing this weekend, I hope you have great weather and a wonderful time.
Until next time,
Kay
Friday, June 7, 2013
Quote of the Day
Happiness resides not in possessions, and not in gold, happiness dwells in the soul.
~ Democritus
~ Democritus
Thursday, June 6, 2013
You don't look sick...
To be honest, I haven't heard this in several years because I now have to take oxygen with me wherever I go and my limp is more pronounced. Years prior, I heard this time and again from family, friends and even people who were waiting in the doctor's offices. It's safe to say that after the first dozen times, I grew agitated at hearing that phrase or its cousin - "You're too young to be that sick."
When the average, everyday person thinks of someone being sick, they think of a person in bed with a variety of symptoms that they can see or hear. Or they imagine an outward symbol of illness such as a cast, wheelchair, a missing limb, or anything that would designate a person as ill. However, that's not usually the case with a disease like Fibro or PsA. They are among a group of illnesses often called invisible illnesses because there are no outward signs that another can pick up only by sight. Before I was officially diagnosed and right after, I could still run or clean the house without much difficulty. My affected joints were mostly the feet and my wrists so I could hide them easily. At this time, my psoriasis wasn't as pronounced either. Only my scalp bared the brunt of my illness although a small spot began to show on my right knee. It took me a long time to accept my limitations even though I looked fine.
Fast forward a few years, my hands began to show the damage with sausage digits which are known to be fingers that are swollen and disjointed to look like little sausage. My feet would feel like they were full of glass so walking became difficult. If I didn't feel like hissing in pain with each step, I would try to place my steps with care. As I became more aware of the limits my body was placing on me, I began to make changes in how I do things. My husband was instrumental in convincing me to accept the things that I could no longer do. He knew that long distances were painful for me and would let me off at the door whenever we would go to the store. People would stare at me as I walked with a limp. They stare more now that I have to carry oxygen or try to do something where my hands would be in plain view.
Before the outward signs were visible, even my family had difficulty believing that I was in as much pain as I really was. If it took me too long to do something, I would often see the looks of disbelief and hear the frustration in their voices. Knowing that I couldn't live up to the average expectations made me feel so small and depressed. Then I would push myself to do more than I needed to do in order to keep the disappointment level down, both for them and for myself. A day or two later, I would be feeling the affects of whatever I had done and enter a seemingly endless cycle. This lasted for years until I could no longer pretend that I was a regular person. Either I was going to push myself too far and end up severely hurt or I was going to have to learn to stand up for myself and respect the limits. I'm still learning how far I can push myself, but I've gotten a little better at saying no whenever I know I'm unable to do something. The disappointment still gets to me though.
There is a fabulous story written by a woman who lives with a chronic illness that explains the way thousands of people live with their invisible illnesses. Christine Miserandino wrote the story, "The Spoon Theory," to explain to her friend how it is for a person with an illness to go through their day. Some of the people that I've shared the story with have read it and finally understood why it's difficult for me to just up and do something. Others read it, think they understand, but continue to believe that if I do this or that, I'll be better. If you'd like to read the story, you can click here.
It's been said that life is what you make it. I'm hoping to make mine a more understanding and practical life filled with positivity and determination. No matter what limitations these damned diseases place on me, I'm still pushing forward. I hope you'll do the same.
Until next time,
Kay
When the average, everyday person thinks of someone being sick, they think of a person in bed with a variety of symptoms that they can see or hear. Or they imagine an outward symbol of illness such as a cast, wheelchair, a missing limb, or anything that would designate a person as ill. However, that's not usually the case with a disease like Fibro or PsA. They are among a group of illnesses often called invisible illnesses because there are no outward signs that another can pick up only by sight. Before I was officially diagnosed and right after, I could still run or clean the house without much difficulty. My affected joints were mostly the feet and my wrists so I could hide them easily. At this time, my psoriasis wasn't as pronounced either. Only my scalp bared the brunt of my illness although a small spot began to show on my right knee. It took me a long time to accept my limitations even though I looked fine.
Fast forward a few years, my hands began to show the damage with sausage digits which are known to be fingers that are swollen and disjointed to look like little sausage. My feet would feel like they were full of glass so walking became difficult. If I didn't feel like hissing in pain with each step, I would try to place my steps with care. As I became more aware of the limits my body was placing on me, I began to make changes in how I do things. My husband was instrumental in convincing me to accept the things that I could no longer do. He knew that long distances were painful for me and would let me off at the door whenever we would go to the store. People would stare at me as I walked with a limp. They stare more now that I have to carry oxygen or try to do something where my hands would be in plain view.
Before the outward signs were visible, even my family had difficulty believing that I was in as much pain as I really was. If it took me too long to do something, I would often see the looks of disbelief and hear the frustration in their voices. Knowing that I couldn't live up to the average expectations made me feel so small and depressed. Then I would push myself to do more than I needed to do in order to keep the disappointment level down, both for them and for myself. A day or two later, I would be feeling the affects of whatever I had done and enter a seemingly endless cycle. This lasted for years until I could no longer pretend that I was a regular person. Either I was going to push myself too far and end up severely hurt or I was going to have to learn to stand up for myself and respect the limits. I'm still learning how far I can push myself, but I've gotten a little better at saying no whenever I know I'm unable to do something. The disappointment still gets to me though.
There is a fabulous story written by a woman who lives with a chronic illness that explains the way thousands of people live with their invisible illnesses. Christine Miserandino wrote the story, "The Spoon Theory," to explain to her friend how it is for a person with an illness to go through their day. Some of the people that I've shared the story with have read it and finally understood why it's difficult for me to just up and do something. Others read it, think they understand, but continue to believe that if I do this or that, I'll be better. If you'd like to read the story, you can click here.
It's been said that life is what you make it. I'm hoping to make mine a more understanding and practical life filled with positivity and determination. No matter what limitations these damned diseases place on me, I'm still pushing forward. I hope you'll do the same.
Until next time,
Kay
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Tired
There was a lot of action here over the weekend. Normally, I don't have too many visitors but I had a grand total of five. Their visits didn't take away all the disappointment that I felt after not being able to attend the baby shower for a very close friend of mine and his girlfriend. Of course, some of them brought me more yarn to feed this addiction to crocheting that I've developed over the years. Thankfully, I have a purpose for these bundles of stringy goodness sitting in totes near me. I can't use the "running out of yarn" excuse for not achieving my goal. So far, I do have three scarves completed and will work on the hats today and tomorrow. I'm hopeful that I can have all three finished so the total of completed sets will rise to 33. Still a lot more to go but I can only go so fast! I'm just grateful that I've been given yarn. I have plenty of time to work on the products.
Other than that, I've been feeling down and blah. I know it's because the weather is nice outside. Whenever there's a swing in the temperatures combined with pleasant days, I'm stuck inside for breathing, Fibro or pain issues. That's the cycle that I've notice a lot of in the past few years. Monday, my sinuses and fibro were competing to see who will be able to give me a migraine first. I can't say for certain which came in first place but I know that it didn't change the end result.
Working my way through the sets and the books for my review blog have kept me pretty busy. On top of that, I've begun revisions on my novel. My goal is to have it revised within a couple of months. I know that I have piled things on my plate higher than I probably should. In all honesty, it's to keep my mind busy so that I don't have to dwell on some of the hard things. When I'm busy, I can put on that mask of "everything's okay" and not have to field a thousand questions otherwise. Unfortunately, that keeps everything inside where it eats away at me until I'm overwhelmed. Releasing those feelings or emotions properly hasn't always been a strong suit of mine. I can say that I have made some improvements but I'm not able to deal with an all-out assault of emotional missiles.
For me, I think this week will be a long one. I haven't been sleeping a lot because of the weather, the dog's schedule and just not being tired when I need to go to sleep. Later in the week, I have to get my blood checked to make sure that I'm still within the levels I need to be. I'm hoping that I don't have to adjust any medicines. I hate doing that. My schedule is weird enough the way it is. Who knows what will happen though? I mean, I had a bunch of visitors this weekend that I didn't expect so why not during the week? Either way, I hope the week is a good one for all of you out there. Stay safe during the rough weather and we'll see each other on the other side.
Until next time,
Kay
Other than that, I've been feeling down and blah. I know it's because the weather is nice outside. Whenever there's a swing in the temperatures combined with pleasant days, I'm stuck inside for breathing, Fibro or pain issues. That's the cycle that I've notice a lot of in the past few years. Monday, my sinuses and fibro were competing to see who will be able to give me a migraine first. I can't say for certain which came in first place but I know that it didn't change the end result.
Working my way through the sets and the books for my review blog have kept me pretty busy. On top of that, I've begun revisions on my novel. My goal is to have it revised within a couple of months. I know that I have piled things on my plate higher than I probably should. In all honesty, it's to keep my mind busy so that I don't have to dwell on some of the hard things. When I'm busy, I can put on that mask of "everything's okay" and not have to field a thousand questions otherwise. Unfortunately, that keeps everything inside where it eats away at me until I'm overwhelmed. Releasing those feelings or emotions properly hasn't always been a strong suit of mine. I can say that I have made some improvements but I'm not able to deal with an all-out assault of emotional missiles.
For me, I think this week will be a long one. I haven't been sleeping a lot because of the weather, the dog's schedule and just not being tired when I need to go to sleep. Later in the week, I have to get my blood checked to make sure that I'm still within the levels I need to be. I'm hoping that I don't have to adjust any medicines. I hate doing that. My schedule is weird enough the way it is. Who knows what will happen though? I mean, I had a bunch of visitors this weekend that I didn't expect so why not during the week? Either way, I hope the week is a good one for all of you out there. Stay safe during the rough weather and we'll see each other on the other side.
Until next time,
Kay
Quote of the Day
Some
of the best lessons we ever learn we learn from our mistakes and
failures. The error of the past is the wisdom of the future.
~ Tryon Edwards
Monday, June 3, 2013
Quote of the Day
I cannot always control what goes on outside. But I can always control what goes on inside.
~ Wayne Dyer
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Quote of the Day
It doesn't matter how long we may have
been stuck in a sense of our limitations. If we go into a darkened room
and turn on the light, it doesn't matter if the room has been dark for
a day, a week, or ten thousand years -- we turn on the light and it is
illuminated. Once we control our capacity for love and happiness, the
light has been turned on.
~ Sharon Salzberg
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Still here.
Remember how I mentioned that whenever I do too much, I end up paying for it? Yeah, that happens quite a lot. More often than I really want it to happen. That happened on Tuesday after I helped to clean and organize the office/craft room. I didn't do any of the heavy lifting. No way that could happen. I did most of the sorting and packing of items that were brought to me. Nonetheless, it was enough to make me wake up on Tuesday feeling bruised and battered. Thankfully, all I had planned for the day was to make headway on my crocheting and some reading. I ended up finishing a scarf and starting a second one. If my hands would have cooperated with me more, I could have had both scarves finished with another halfway finished.
Wednesday brought more warm temperatures and humidity which meant my breathing was a bit on the labored side. I've come to accept the fact that whenever the weather shift, I'm going to have trouble. I spent most of the day reading and working my way through the pile of to-read books that I have near me almost all the time. My hands and feet were swollen most of the day so I didn't do as much crocheting as I wanted. The best part of the day was finding the inspiration to begin work on another novel.
Thankfully, the weather front that had been crawling towards our state started to come through my state. I hated the tightness that I felt in my chest but the relief in my hands and feet helped to even things out.That allowed me to get another scarf finished and a third started. I had given myself to the end of the week to work on the crocheting before I had to split my time and attention between that and the revisions I've planned. When I finish the matching hats, that will make 32 complete sets for the kids at the Center.
We received sad news on Thursday and it combined with the rain that fell on Friday made my mood dark. Sleeping all day sounded like an awesome plan. My little furkid had other plans for me. He made sure that I woke up and got to work doing blog posts for my book blog and finding some more quotes for this one. He's a little bossy furkid when he wants to be - especially when he wants his treats. I honestly couldn't imagine my days without him though. He's getting old enough to make me worry over losing him.
Today, I must say happy birthday to my niece! She's grown so much and it makes me feel so old. *sighs* I am so disappointed that I wasn't able to attend the baby shower for a very close family friend and his girlfriend. They're actually more like siblings than friends. They are having the first child soon so the level of excitement is quite high. It definitely would have been fun to get out of the house and spend time with them! I had been saving my spoons for today but combined with all the other things, I'm just stuck. Sad Kay is sad today. My only other plans for the day are to read some more and to begin the revisions on my novel. I really want to have the whole thing done before the end of June. Okay, time to get ready! Have a great weekend.
Until next time,
Kay
Wednesday brought more warm temperatures and humidity which meant my breathing was a bit on the labored side. I've come to accept the fact that whenever the weather shift, I'm going to have trouble. I spent most of the day reading and working my way through the pile of to-read books that I have near me almost all the time. My hands and feet were swollen most of the day so I didn't do as much crocheting as I wanted. The best part of the day was finding the inspiration to begin work on another novel.
Thankfully, the weather front that had been crawling towards our state started to come through my state. I hated the tightness that I felt in my chest but the relief in my hands and feet helped to even things out.That allowed me to get another scarf finished and a third started. I had given myself to the end of the week to work on the crocheting before I had to split my time and attention between that and the revisions I've planned. When I finish the matching hats, that will make 32 complete sets for the kids at the Center.
We received sad news on Thursday and it combined with the rain that fell on Friday made my mood dark. Sleeping all day sounded like an awesome plan. My little furkid had other plans for me. He made sure that I woke up and got to work doing blog posts for my book blog and finding some more quotes for this one. He's a little bossy furkid when he wants to be - especially when he wants his treats. I honestly couldn't imagine my days without him though. He's getting old enough to make me worry over losing him.
Today, I must say happy birthday to my niece! She's grown so much and it makes me feel so old. *sighs* I am so disappointed that I wasn't able to attend the baby shower for a very close family friend and his girlfriend. They're actually more like siblings than friends. They are having the first child soon so the level of excitement is quite high. It definitely would have been fun to get out of the house and spend time with them! I had been saving my spoons for today but combined with all the other things, I'm just stuck. Sad Kay is sad today. My only other plans for the day are to read some more and to begin the revisions on my novel. I really want to have the whole thing done before the end of June. Okay, time to get ready! Have a great weekend.
Until next time,
Kay
Quote of the Day
One of
the most beautiful gifts in the world is the gift of encouragement.
When someone encourages you, that person helps you over a threshold you
might otherwise never have crossed on your own.
~ John O'Donohue
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