Sometimes reality is bittersweet and longing to escape it isn't out of the realm of logical thinking. But all too often, it's the delusions we tell ourselves that give us the most disappointment. It's not something that I've suddenly known. I've always had a lingering suspicion in the back of my mind. So why is it on my mind today?
I have been spending the week trying to adjust to the new medical schedule that I need to follow in order to get my breathing where it should be. The increased doses and time table leave me little room for the opportunity to sleep in and so I find myself catnapping throughout the day. Upon reflection, I've realized something today. I have crossed the threshold from young adolescence into middle age.
That thought both terrifies and saddens me to the point of wanting to crawl under the covers and never peek my head back out. When did I join the ranks of those receiving AARP papers in the mail or become one of those who has to constantly worry over health? What in the world have I been doing all this time when most of my goals are still waiting to be achieved?
Earlier this week, I had to have my annual bloodwork to check my cholesterol, thyroid and pro-time. Everything came out pretty good except the thyroid was low. I have to be consistent in taking the stupid med now. I was grateful that my cholesterol was where it needed to be because it's one less worry on my shoulders. As I sat listening to the nurse read off the numbers, it hit me. The time in which I could blame things on blissful ignorance or follies of youth was over. I'm too old to know better than to not do what I need in order to be healthier. No one else do what I need to do to help make my days the best that they can be. Only I have that power.
After the phone call, I sat and thought about how time seems to speed away from us when we get lost in the routines of our daily lives. I don't feel like I should be as old as I am. I feel younger. I can't believe so much time has slipped under the bridge. It truly does seem like just yesterday my brother passed and there was still a chance that my family wouldn't fracture into the pieces I have today. I'm disappointed that I have let the days slip by without a fight or trying to knock off these goals of mine. But now that the blinders are off, I can't go back to the disbelief I had before.
Sometimes real life sucks - especially when you realize how much of it disappears while you're trying to live it.
Until next time,
Kay
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