As I grew up, I think I heard every adage out there. The one that I heard the most was often said by my grandmother. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
Sitting here and writing this blog post, my mind tries to convince me that I'm achieving something by sharing my daily struggles in the hopes that another person may find comfort in the thought of not being alone. But really, I think I'm doing this just to keep myself busy and away from thinking too much about the things that I can no longer do. You see, I always intend to do things. Each day I wake up, I have a small listen of things that I want to accomplish. They have run the gamut from getting through my reading obligations to cleaning the house. But I have more days where I have those intentions and are unable to follow through for one reason or another.
The entire weekend was a disappointment in that regard. I had planned out what I was going to be able to clean and for how long, the breaks that I would need to take, and the writing/reading/crocheting that I always have to do right now. It was my intention to have a "normal" weekend doing some of the things that the average person does. Unfortunately, I failed. Rather, my body failed me and I've been feeling depressed since early Saturday over it all. I mean, I'm still on the young side of middle-aged so I shouldn't have any problems with picking up a room, dusting or vacuuming the carpets. I shouldn't have to take more breaks than I planned, turn my oxygen up higher or give up all together because I can't breathe while working.
While sitting here and writing this, I think back to the time when I didn't have to pace myself. As a child, I would spend the weekends with my grandmother and help her clean her home - the entire home on a Saturday. Sunday was spent in church so all the work had to be done the day before. I had expected to carry on that type of schedule or routine as I got older and moved into my own place.The legacy of sorts would live on through me and through the children I might bring into the world. It's overwhelmingly sad that not one, but several chronic illnesses pulled my life from that road and placed my feet upon one that I would have never chosen freely.
Every once in a while, the gravity of my situation overwhelms me and I feel the full weight of everything upon my shoulders. It colors my whole world grey and I feel listless, unable to control the simplest aspect of my life. When I'm not able to achieve even small goals like straightening a room or running the dishwasher without difficulty, it makes me feel a thousand times more down and worthless. These are the moments when I have to face the reality of chronic illness and my limitations. If I don't, I can't move forward or have any sense of a life at all. In a perfect world, I never would have gotten sick, my brother wouldn't have passed away and my family wouldn't have fallen apart.
In all honesty, it has taken a lot of soul searching, a lot of tears, a ton of anger and many years for me to get to the point where I can deal with what I feel that I've lost. There are times when the grip I have on the depression slips and I end up not wanting to get out of bed. I rant, I rave and I cry until the balance is somewhat restored. It allows me to move forward, concentrating on the more important things in life. I'm not SuperWoman and I don't ever claim to be. I just hope to have a period of time to enjoy this life I have been given, whether I walk a smooth or rough path.
Maybe my acceptance of limitations isn't as complete as I thought. Maybe I need to spend more time focusing on what I have been able to do while pushing myself just a little more in order to recapture some of the things I've lost. I don't know what the answer really is. I only know that I haven't found a way to do what I feel I need to do nor have I found the answer to keep the depression and disappointment from taking over. For me, it's back to distracting myself with projects that I have to concentrate on so I don't have time to linger over the things I have no ability to change. Which is always going to be on my list of expectations or intentions.
Until next time,
Kay
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