Fell on Black Days

Why, hello there. Nice elephant you have in the room. Yes, by that I mean the fact that many of my posts so far this week have been sort of downers. Even as I was writing them, I could tell that the depression was making it difficult to post without some negativity and sadness in the blogs. I did seriously consider editing them to make them more upbeat and happy-go-lucky. But I knew that it wasn't going to be a true representation of my life if I started editing out the parts that didn't seem positive all the way through. The end result was what has been posted and now this blog.

Anyone who has to deal with a chronic illness will go through bouts of depression. If someone claims otherwise, I think that they're not being honest with themselves. Depression is a tricky subject for people to be open about. No one wants to admit that they feel weak and they need someone's help. Men, especially, will either push the feelings down deeper and ignore them instead of reaching out for help. I think the stigma still attached to the word, "depression", haunts people of certain generations. Whether or not that's the case, it's a natural reaction to whatever disease you are battling against.

I've had several bouts of depression over the years. I went through the normal teenage angst years where everything was against me and life was so hard. If I had only known, right? When you're in the midst of something, it's sometimes hard to see the larger picture. Same thing with depression. I've had times when it snuck in and clouded everything before I knew what was happening. I couldn't see that it was a temporary situation. I just felt like at that point everything was over. Nothing else could make a difference. Other times, depression came down on me like a weight. I could literally feel something pushing down on me, making me feel like it was just pointless to do anything but walk away. Those episodes really scare me because my thoughts go into those very dark places. Sometimes I know what triggers the episodes and sometimes I have no clue whatsoever what happened. I know what has made me feel down this week. Not only has the weather been grey and gloomy here, but it's also been a week where my pain levels have been high. I also have been thinking of a very close friend who passed away just 2 years ago. She had RA but we shared a lot with each other over the 6 plus years that I knew her. In fact, I often call her my "second mom" as she would give me advice and guidance when I needed it most. Yes, often when I didn't ask for it. She just knew.

It's also coming up on the five year anniversary of my brother's death. Bill was just barely a teenager when he was diagnosed with Systemic lupus erythematosus. Unfortunately the disease chose to reside within his lungs. When he would have a flare, the lungs would rip apart and bleed. Basically he would be drowning on his own blood. Between the ages of 15 and 26, Bill was on life support over 19 times, had countless blood transfusions, and spent a large chunk of his life lying in a hospital bed. But (yes, yes, another but) he rarely lost his smile. He always seemed to have a joke or two ready to make another person smile instead of dwelling on his own pain. Even he had bouts of depression. There were a few times when he did throw his hands up and ask the very same questions I tend to ask today. Why do I have to go through this? What did I do to deserve a lifetime of pain, limits and frustrations? Is there anything out there that I can do now that I have lost who I was?

It took a while but he would come around and smile again. He would try to make up for the worry he caused even though he was told repeatedly that it wasn't necessary. We worry because we love. I try to follow his example in dealing with my bouts of depression. I let myself feel, rant, rave and cry. Then I take a deep breath and take that first step forward. Sometimes it's easy. Other times I can't seem to make my foot move. I have learned to reach out and lean on those around me who I trust. For me, focusing on a task that's simple and repetitive for a short amount of time can help draw my mind from the worries. If pain is making it difficult, I will try to lose myself in a book or with some mind-numbing tv shows. Anything to keep my brain from constantly focusing on whatever it is that has triggered the depression. This isn't something I learned quickly. It's taken a long time to redirect myself. Truthfully, there are times when it doesn't work as well as I want it to. But if I want to not take medication, I have to be gentle with myself and try my hardest.

So this week I have been working more on crochet projects and reading when I'm not checking in with my Facebook group or playing at Pogo. I know I'll make it through this bout and be ready to enjoy the good times. What are some things you, my readers, do to battle your depression? Either way, be gentle with yourself. Give yourself room to go through that dark valley because the light will come soon enough. Remember that you're never alone.

Until next time,
Kay