Labels.

I've been doing a bit of thinking about labels as of late. No, not the peel and stick variety that helps us stay organized (or that lies hidden in the bottom of our desk drawer). I'm talking about the labels that society at large tends to throw our way when we are diagnosed with a disease. The majority of our society likes to have things set up in nice, neat little packages. I honestly believe it's so that they can rationalize things that happen and can set themselves apart from the "bad" or abnormal. Unfortunately, illnesses like PsA or Fibromyalgia don't always leave calling cards or marks that can be seen. They are often times known as invisible illnesses for that reason. For many people, the pain they feel is all on the inside. They don't wear oxygen, casts or have bandages all over. They look like what society would envision normal people to be. There isn't a test out there that can determine what a person's pain level may be at that moment. I tend to think that's why many chronic illnesses are treated with such deep skepticism.

I still do remember being a teenager and waking up to pain in my feet. It took me a while to massage some of the stiffness out of my feet so that I could just go to the bathroom in the mornings. Back then, it was easy to push the pain aside after I began my day at school. There was a lot to see and do that kept my mind occupied. When school was over for me, I still had my job that kept me moving. Maybe that's why it took a while longer to really latch on to my joints. I made myself be on-the-go for a long time. All of a sudden when I turned 20, it seemed like everything went kaplooey. Seriously. Someone flipped a light switch or snapped their fingers. You get the idea. I went from being an average young adult who had the world in front of her to someone with a chronic disease. I was now part of a box labeled psoriatic arthritis. Whatever dreams and goals I had laid out for myself before the label where now shut off from me. At least, that's the way I felt back then.

Well, I shouldn't just leave it as "back then". Even as recently as yesterday, I've had to fight to keep that lid from closing me off from my dreams. It just seemed to snowball with that one label, the first label. I had a disease so of course, that meant I was sick. Since it was arthritis, I would become a cripple. Further down the line with the psoriasis and some people would think me to be a freak. When I crossed the line of cripple, I entered the box of being disabled. Oh, that's a huge one! For whatever reason, once that label of disabled hits you, your mind flips. Okay, mine did. As someone who valued doing things for herself and striving to be the best she could be, telling me I'm not able to do something any longer was a huge blow to my self confidence. I honestly began to doubt whether I was worth anything at all. Yes, even the thought that the world would be better off without me ran through  my mind on many occasions. Still does every now and again when the pain becomes too great.

It took me a really long time to realize that just because I have these labels with a seemingly negative connotation, I'm still the person I was before I got sick. Deep down, I'm still the caring, loyal, annoying person in my family that will fight to the death for those I love. I am still a writer at heart though I may not be able to sit and write out a novel in one sitting anymore.  I am still a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin, a wife, a friend and confidant. Having PsA and other diseases showed me that I've got other labels too. I'm a survivor. I'm an information warrior, a teacher. I am a living example of a disease (or host of diseases) that someone has studied only in a textbook. I bring the humanity and color to those disease definitions written in black and white. Today, I have reminded myself that I may wear the badge of PsA but I also wear so many others. PsA is a part of my life but I can choose to not make it my entire life.

Sounds so simple and yet it's the most difficult thing to do for me. I have a choice when I wake up. I can smile and face whatever life throws my way. Or I can frown and spend the day wondering what ifs to the point where I accomplish nothing at all. Either way, I'm still here. So to me, that means I have an opportunity to do something. And boy, am I going to do it! Even with the pain, remember that you are a person of value. You matter to someone. Find some small goal and go for it. One step at a time, one stone at a time. That way, the old label will wear itself away.

Until next time,
Kay