Quote of the Day

Without belief in yourself, you are left with a prison of a mind.

~ Brandon A. Trean

Quote of the Day

Sometimes to get what you want the most, you have to do what you want the least.

~ Jodi Picoult

Quote of the Day

When we are no longer able to change a situations, we are challenged to change ourselves.

~ Viktor Franki

Quote of the Day

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

~ Will Rogers

Quote of the Day

When in doubt, take a deep breath and keep moving.

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

Quote of the Day

The most confused we ever get is when we're trying to convince our heads of something our heart knows is a lie. 

~ Karen Moning

Quote of the Day

The truth is not always beautiful, nor beautiful words the truth.

~ Lao Tzu

Quote of the Day

All endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time. 

~ Mitch Albom

Quote of the Day

Our greatest failures often give rise to our greatest successes

~ Terry Cohen

Quote of the Day

You can't always get the perfect moment. Sometimes, you just have to do the best you can under the circumstances. 

~ Sarah Dessen

Summertime Blues

One of these days I am going to do a post on chronic illnesses and depression. For me, they've been playmates for as long as I can remember. The more things are taken away from me by the various illnesses, the more I retreat into a big ball of depression. I do try and pull myself out of it when I can. I know it's not a good thing to be so down all the time. I make myself have contact with other people. even if it's only by phone or online, I still push myself to "talk" to others.

That lesson has been a hard one to learn over the years. There were quite a few times where I was able to put on the happy face and do what needed to be done. When I would come home, I could take off the mask and fall apart, not moving from my bed for days. Now, I'm happy that I have let others in on the deception so that they can call me out on it whenever they see me sliding back into that depressive state. Some days, I don't know what causes me to sink into that bed of sadness. I do know the root of it this time. Personal matters that are still unresolved as of yet weigh heavily on my heart because I know that neither side is ready to work things out. And it hurts me emotionally, mentally and sometimes physically.

So today and tomorrow are going to be easy days. I don't have any appointments this week. Therefore, I will be able to work through my serious backlog of books to be read and reviewed as well as work on the scarves and hats for the project we have going. We really behind so kicking it up a notch will help a lot! Hope you have a great Tuesday. I will see you again on Thursday!!

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

Perhaps it is our imperfections that make us so perfect for one another.

~ Jane Austen

Quote of the Day

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.

~ William Shakespeare

Quote of the Day

It always seems impossible until it's done.

~ Nelson Mandela

Busy day but all I wanna do is sleep...

The past few days have went by in a blur. Thursday was packed with doctor appointment to check my INR and then it was project day. I spent a large portion of the day working through some the books on my to-read pile. My bloodwork came out within range so I was able to celebrate for a short time. I still have to face the follow-up appointment with the lung doctor toward the end of the month. The increase in breathing treatments has really been a big help. Only drawback has been the decrease in energy. I'm hoping that will work itself out as the days go on.

I couldn't find a comfortable sleeping position Thursday night, so I stayed awake until the alarm went off for the hubby. With him off to work, I was able to use the entire bed to find the most comfortable way to sleep. Then I knew nothing. Literally. I remember nothing from the moment my eyes closed until my mom called me in the afternoon when she was home from work. I haven't slept like that in a truly long time. Feeling both upset at myself for sleeping away perfectly good hours to work and happy that my body got some much needed rest, I worked my way through some of the books, did a small bit of research on writing query letters and took care of my needy furkid.

Although I figured that my body would have no use for further rest, I was proved wrong once again. Once dinner was out of the way, I did my usual nightly medicine/breathing treatment routine. Mr. Sandman decided that I needed a few more hours of sleep and happily scheduled me in for the hours between 9pm and 4am. Now, I'm sitting here feeling slightly tired after being up so early and taking my meds. I've been able to make a lot of headway in my reading list. I've also worked on a few upcoming posts and plan to do some crocheting. But really, if the need arises, I just might nap.

Anyone else out there have these kinds of weeks?

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

~ Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

~ Confucius

Quote of the Day

Start today! Today is the tomorrow you put it off until yesterday.

~ Lyndon Forman

Quote of the Day

An obstacle is often a stepping stone.

~ Prescott

Losing my cool

Summer is definitely in full swing here. It's been a difficult few weeks adjusting to the increase in breathing meds as they have made me soooo sleepy. Not just a little sleepy. But walking zombie kind of sleepy. I have such a full plate with all the things that I want to accomplish that napping for a few hours really takes me further from my goals. Add to that the fact that I'm hidden away from the evil sunlight and humidity, you'll see that my hours to work on things in light are greatly reduced. I guess it's why they call it a challenge, huh?

Today's blog isn't going to be long. I'm feeling okay today and I'm going to take full advantage of each second to get as many things progressing as I can. Take care and have a safe, happy day.

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

Once you choose hope, anything's possible.

~ Christopher Reeve

Quote of the Day

Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don't have the strength.

~ Theodore Roosevelt

Quote of the Day

When writing the story of your life, don't let anyone else hold the pen.

~ Harley Davidson

How You Doin'?

After a couple of weeks adjusting to the new schedule of medicines, I feel like I'm starting to get used to the way I feel. This allowed me to move around in my "cave" more without that tightness in my chest that I was feeling less than a month ago. I hate breathing problems but I know some of the reasons are my own doing. Because of our financial situation, I wasn't always able to afford one of the necessary medicines for my breathing to take daily. Honestly it was just too expensive without coverage. I was thankful to see that the medicine was covered this year and I started taking it as I'm supposed to. Combined with an increase in nebulizer treatments, I feel like my lungs are more open. Now, if I could just get the rest of me in line, I'd be great!

The results of my annual bloodwork came back earlier in the week. My thyroid was low as I expected. I have had a hard time taking that stupid little pill due to its stupid little rules about taking on an empty stomach and not with other meds. Like it's important or something! Oh, okay. So it is important. I know I feel a lot better when I take it consistently so if I have to set my alarm for really early to take the med and then go back to sleep, I will. At my age, I need to stop being so carefree with everything and take the doctor's advice a tad bit more seriously than I have been. The good news is that my cholesterol was really good and everything in range. None of the numbers were at the high end of the range either so I'm really pleased. The last time I had my bloodwork done, my "bad" cholesterol was a little high and the "good" was just a few points low. Even though I had several moments where I didn't pay attention to what I should have been doing, everything seemed to turn around well enough that I will continue to maintain the small changes. Most likely I will add a few more as I do need to lose weight. One thing at a time.

Crocheting has seemed to take a front seat in my daily activities. My grand idea of honoring my late brother and grandmother by helping those less fortune was supposed to be a community driven effort. When I first began the project, there was a great sense of people wanting to help and they did. Donations of yarn and some items came in and helped to get the project off and running. Due in large part to my lack of posting all the time on Facebook or elsewhere, the continuation of making the items has fallen on my shoulders. I am determined to complete the goal I set in the beginning of 75 sets of hats and scarves for the behavioral center. But honestly, as long as I'm able to get 61 by the end of October, I'll be happy. That's the number of beds that the center has. Most of the time, they're full or overflowing. That's why I wanted to have extra. So it's stitch, stitch, stitch until I have callouses and yarn burns. Currently, I have nearly 40 completed and bagged so that's awesome in my book. The end of this month, I'll probably start to post more on Facebook where the project page is and to contact others as the project grows. I have a dozen different ideas that I want to help others with because that's what my brother and grandmother would have done.

Of course when not sleeping or stitching, I'm reading, writing and trying to keep up with my book blog. I never thought that I'd ever be busy again after my PsA began to take hold. I thought my days would be spent sitting and staring at walls. Admittedly, some days are like that as my hands don't want to do what they're told to but right now, there's not been as many. Mostly I have had pain and stiffness in my feet and upper back. That's been a blessing. I hope it holds out while I work my way through all these things I want to do. You never really realize just how important your hands are until you're not able to use them as you would normally use them.

At any rate, it's time for a breathing treatment and making headway on the to-do list. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!”

~ Audrey Hepburn

Quote of the Day

When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.

~ Henry Ford

Quote of the Day

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.

~ Alice Walker

Happy Fourth of July!!

Only a quick post to wish everyone a safe and happy 4th of July. It's a major holiday here in the States. Many businesses are closed while people throughout the country are ready to have a good time to celebrate our freedoms and liberties. I want to take the opportunity to thank those men and women, both past, present and future, who put their families on hold and their lives on the line so that we here can have celebrations like this. It's not always a glamorous job to serve in the military. Sometimes, it's a downright pain but without it, we'd all be lost. Stay safe. Keep your head down. Come home soon. Especially my D-kiddo.

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

You can’t use up creativity.  The more you use, the more you have.

~ Maya Angelou

Blerghie blergh...

So, when I restarted this blog, I promised myself that I would do two things with it.

1. I would always be honest - no matter what.
2. I would find a posting schedule that I could maintain and do exactly that.

In the essence of #1, I have to honestly say that it's been hard for me to achieve #2 here lately. And it's not because of a lack of topics to cover. There are so many things that I actually want to discuss about the diseases that I and so many others have to deal with, but there's also the dark side of the disease that makes it difficult to do anything planned in advance.

The main reason that I picked Blogger to maintain this blog is because I was familiar enough with the way it worked. I can use this familiarity to my advantage and set up posts to publish even when I'm not able to work on anything on that particular day. For example, I feel like I've been hit by a Mack truck that's reversed over me and hit me again. If I had felt up to working on my blogs all day yesterday, I could have had this post already typed up and set to go at whatever time I chose. On a day in which my hands feel up to it, I can crank out two or three posts and publish in advance any that are finished up or ready. It really does pain me that I have used up all the posts that I had done "just in case" something were to prevent me from sitting here and typing out whatever I wanted to say that day.

Future posts may be informative or they may be simply short ones to say how things are going. I'm going to fight to maintain the schedule I have set for myself until it's proven to be too much for me to handle. As of this moment, I do feel like that truck's been by here too many times. We've had storm system after storm system come through our state and it hasn't been the best of roller coaster rides, let me tell you. Doing a lot of catching up with my crocheting and reading for my book blog has been the orders of the day. I still have over 35 hats and scarves to create while reading through a dozen or so books that need reviews. Can't say that I haven't found away to stay busy. One slow stitch or word at a time!

Since Thursday is the 4th of July, a holiday here in the States, I won't be posting a regular post. It will probably be just wishing everyone a very happy and safe 4th. No matter where you are, take time to enjoy the simple joys and freedoms in life.

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.

~ Confucius

Quote of the Day

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

~ George Eliot

Quote of the Day

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes.  You are free.

~ Jim Morrison

Ah, real life...

Sometimes reality is bittersweet and longing to escape it isn't out of the realm of logical thinking. But all too often, it's the delusions we tell ourselves that give us the most disappointment. It's not something that I've suddenly known. I've always had a lingering suspicion in the back of my mind. So why is it on my mind today?

I have been spending the week trying to adjust to the new medical schedule that I need to follow in order to get my breathing where it should be. The increased doses and time table leave me little room for the opportunity to sleep in and so I find myself catnapping throughout the day. Upon reflection, I've realized something today. I have crossed the threshold from young adolescence into middle age.

That thought both terrifies and saddens me to the point of wanting to crawl under the covers and never peek my head back out. When did I join the ranks of those receiving AARP papers in the mail or become one of those who has to constantly worry over health? What in the world have I been doing all this time when most of my goals are still waiting to be achieved?

Earlier this week, I had to have my annual bloodwork to check my cholesterol, thyroid and pro-time. Everything came out pretty good except the thyroid was low. I have to be consistent in taking the stupid med now. I was grateful that my cholesterol was where it needed to be because it's one less worry on my shoulders. As I sat listening to the nurse read off the numbers, it hit me. The time in which I could blame things on blissful ignorance or follies of youth was over. I'm too old to know better than to not do what I need in order to be healthier. No one else do what I need to do to help make my days the best that they can be. Only I have that power.

After the phone call, I sat and thought about how time seems to speed away from us when we get lost in the routines of our daily lives. I don't feel like I should be as old as I am. I feel younger. I can't believe so much time has slipped under the bridge. It truly does seem like just yesterday my brother passed and there was still a chance that my family wouldn't fracture into the pieces I have today. I'm disappointed that I have let the days slip by without a fight or trying to knock off these goals of mine. But now that the blinders are off, I can't go back to the disbelief I had before.

Sometimes real life sucks - especially when you realize how much of it disappears while you're trying to live it.

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.

~ Joshua J. Marine

Quote of the Day

I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do.

~ Leonardo da Vinci

Quote of the Day

Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.

~ Les Brown

Quote of the Day

Happiness is not something readymade.  It comes from your own actions.

~ Dalai Lama

Sit a spell...

This past week has been an unusually emotional and painful one to get through. I can't honestly say when the emotional ton of bricks landed on me but I know it was before I posted last Tuesday's post. I had planned to take Tuesday through Thursday and work steadily on my crochet projects. I managed to do that until Thursday rolled around. It was a pretty darn good thing that I had a post ready to go in case I wasn't able to sit down and type one up. Unfortunately, I did miss Saturday's posting but it wasn't something that just couldn't be helped. I do hope I can be forgiven for that one.

In regards to the crochet project, I'm still on course to have the 75 hat/scarf sets completed by the end of October as I have planned. I'm currently sitting at 36 finished sets that need the tails sewn in/cut off but I will do that once I have washed and dried them. There's always a little bit of shrinkage that happens with a crochet project. I'd rather not have a bunch of yarn tails sticking out everywhere. I have one more scarf which needs its matching hat to bring my total to 37. That leaves me with 38 to make. Hopefully, I can spread the word out there a bit more and someone will be able to donate a scarf or hat or both! If not, that's okay. I'll still get as many as I can done before the deadline. I want to deliver them to the behavioral center the first or second week of November so that the kids will be able to use them.

Other than that, I've been trapped inside the darkest/coldest room of the house over the past week. Since the blood clot has left me with asthma, adjusting to the heat and humidity is going slower this year than in years past. Not exactly sure why, but I do hope that I'm able to help with things outside of my room soon. I do know that part of the problem is the fact that Arthur and his not-so-nice friends team up to keep me from being able to deep clean my house. Heck, sometimes I can't even do simple straightening without paying for it the next two or three days. I have to pick and choose what I can do and when so that I don't do something dumb and end up missing a doctor's appointment or some special event because I have to recuperate. My cave is currently the only room in the house that has been deep cleaned and that's probably one of the big reasons as to why I don't have a lot of trouble breathing in it. I do want to work my way through the house but we'll have to see how things go - one day at a time.

Speaking of doctor appointments, I was supposed to have one last Friday. It's time for the annual bloodwork to check a whole host of things including blood sugar, cholesterol, and thyroid levels. That was moved to tomorrow because when I woke up on Friday, I forgot the test was a fasting one and ended up grabbing my usual morning stuff. Yeah, I know - not too smart. Yesterday was the visit with the lung doctor. I'm both happy and unhappy with the visit. It was like a Keystone Cops' routine trying to get ready to go see the doctor as everything that could go wrong did go wrong here. Oh, if I had had the luxury of crawling back into bed and pulling the covers over my head, I wouldn't have hesitated in the least bit! But it had been a while since I had seen him due to emergencies on his end and health crappiness on mine. I told him about the trouble that I've been having in the evenings nearly every day. He listened as I explained, checked my lungs and said that they sounded clear but we'd need to do some work on getting the breathing under better control without adding another medication. Since one of my meds is covered under my insurance now, I'm going to be using that inhaler twice a day and bumping my breathing treatments up to three or four times a day. I hate them because they make me so sleepy but they do help. *sigh*

I was also glad that I went because my dad and I bumped into one of the nurses who used to care for my brother when he was in the hospital. I hadn't seen her in a long while so it was great to catch up. She didn't look like she had aged a bit and still had the awesome sense of humor that we all had appreciated in the dark days. A lot of the conversation centered around catching up. It was fine except it made me realize just how long Billy's been gone and how fractured the family has been without him. My youngest brother was right when he said that Billy was sort of like the glue that held the family together. My husband's grandma was the same thing in their family. Once she passed, it was harder to get everyone to come together. All in all, it made me realize that I truly have been missing those that aren't in my life at the moment - no matter the reason they're not there.

Hopefully this week will be better and I can get on the positive side of things for a while. I have a ton of things to get done before October and November roll around. Crocheting, writing and my buddy in the Marines coming home - maybe. We still have to wait and see on that. It'd be awesome to have him for a little while. But duty calls and we all must answer it in our own ways.

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.

~ Helen Keller

Quote of the Day

If you hear a voice within you say “you cannot paint,” then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.

~ Vincent Van Gogh

Quote of the Day

Once you choose hope, anything’s possible.

~ Christopher Reeve

Quote of the Day

Every child is an artist.  The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.

~ Pablo Picasso

Quote of the Day

If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.

~ Tony Robbins

Psoriasis: A Review

Not everyone who has psoriasis will also be diagnosed as having psoriatic arthritis. However, anyone with a diagnosis of psoriatic arthritis will have some amount of psoriasis to contend with during their battle with the illness. It can be a simple spot the size of a dime on a kneecap or large patches that cover a limb, back or scalp. While the psoriasis may not be contagious or nothing more than a nuisance with the itching, it can cause a lot of problems with a person's self-esteem and interactions with other people who know little or nothing about the disease itself.

When I was first diagnosed with PsA, I was fortunate that most of the psoriasis was contained to the area behind my ears and a small spot on my right knee.Over the years, I have tried many of the over-the-counter creams, ointments, soaps and shampoos. The rheumy has even given me scripts for prescription strength ointments to keep the psoriasis under control. A lot of them have worked on and off over the years but nothing worked full-time to clear up the patches until I began taking shots of Enbrel on a weekly basis. I had such a reprieve from the pain, stiffness and itching from both the psoriasis and the arthritis. When my husband was laid off, we couldn't afford the Enbrel on our own so I had to stop. It was also around the time that doctors discovered the first blood clot in my lung. In the end, it was back to the drawing board.

Right now, I've not been doing a lot to get my psoriasis under control. The patches have been growing. My scalp is now covered and the one on my knee now covers the entire knee area. I have noticed another patch on my left knee, right elbow and a very small spot on the outside of my right thigh. If they continue to get worse or any of my symptoms continue to intensify, I will have to face a choice of being put back onto a biologic or simply suffering until we can afford to do otherwise.

When I began this blog, I wrote an indepth article on psoriasis. I'll post the link here -> Click here.

I hope that it's helps to get the word out about psoriasis. I'm actually glad to see commercials on television now for Fibromyalgia, Psoriatic Arthritis and Psoriasis. It's sorta like a big "see, I wasn't faking" button. For now, I leave you to the reading and I shall be making scarves.

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do, so throw off the bowlines, sail away from safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore, Dream, Discover.

~ Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.

~ Harry Crews

Quick Post

Just to say that I won't be making my usual post today. I've really fallen behind in the crocheting department. If I am going to get these hats and scarves finished for the kids, then I am going to have to focus on them for a couple of days. So today and tomorrow, I will be doing nothing but crocheting in an attempt to get caught up as much as possible.

Thursday, I'll have a recap of my week thus far and hopefully, an update.

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

~ Maya Angelou

Quote of the Day

One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.

~ Sigmund Freud

Quote of the Day

Forget all the reasons it won't work and believe the one reason that it will.

~ Unknown Author

Weekend wishes

This weekend brings with it the celebration of Father's Day here in the US. Unfortunately, it's also a time of sad remembrance for my family as it's the anniversary of a beloved family member's passing. Between the two, it will definitely be bittersweet, to say the least.

To all the those who take on the fatherly role, I wish you a very happy Father's Day. May it be a great day for you and those who love you so.

To Grandma, I love you and miss you. I'm grateful you are up there with Billy and looking down on us.

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

Persistent people begin their success where others end in failure.

~ Edward Eggleston

Quote of the Day

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

~ Albert Einstein

Quiet Day

I don't have any energy to finish the blog posts that I've been working on the past few weeks. I want to make this blog a place of learning and not just some web-diary of my life. Yes, my life plays a huge part in what I post but I want to let others who are suffering know they aren't alone as well as inform them of the advancements that have been made to help them.

Today isn't a day in which I feel up the task of doing either of those things. I woke up feeling very tired, swollen and stiff with that familiar "walking on glass" feeling that I get every so often when the weather decides to turn a bit. We are expecting some pretty rough and tumble storms through my area the next few days. I'm not entirely surprised that I feel like crap. Which is why I"m thankful that I have my posting schedule the way it is and I can work on my posts at any time.

Most likely today and tomorrow are going to be spent doing things as gently as possible in order to not cause myself more pain than necessary. Crocheting as much as my hands will allow because I'm really falling behind in my goal with it. Reading to catch up with my giveaway requirements. Maybe some writing if I am inspired. We'll see. Hope the end of the week is a great one for you all!

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

Adapt yourself to the life you have been given; and truly love the people with whom destiny has surrounded you.

~ Marcus Aurelius

Quote of the Day

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.

~ Henry David Thoreau

Expectation vs Reality

As I grew up, I think I heard every adage out there. The one that I heard the most was often said by my grandmother. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

Sitting here and writing this blog post, my mind tries to convince me that I'm achieving something by sharing my daily struggles in the hopes that another person may find comfort in the thought of not being alone. But really, I think I'm doing this just to keep myself busy and away from thinking too much about the things that I can no longer do. You see, I always intend to do things. Each day I wake up, I have a small listen of things that I want to accomplish. They have run the gamut from getting through my reading obligations to cleaning the house. But I have more days where I have those intentions and are unable to follow through for one reason or another.

The entire weekend was a disappointment in that regard. I had planned out what I was going to be able to clean and for how long, the breaks that I would need to take, and the writing/reading/crocheting that I always have to do right now. It was my intention to have a "normal" weekend doing some of the things that the average person does. Unfortunately, I failed. Rather, my body failed me and I've been feeling depressed since early Saturday over it all. I mean, I'm still on the young side of middle-aged so I shouldn't have any problems with picking up a room, dusting or vacuuming the carpets. I shouldn't have to take more breaks than I planned, turn my oxygen up higher or give up all together because I can't breathe while working.

While sitting here and writing this, I think back to the time when I didn't have to pace myself. As a child, I would spend the weekends with my grandmother and help her clean her home - the entire home on a Saturday. Sunday was spent in church so all the work had to be done the day before. I had expected to carry on that type of schedule or routine as I got older and moved into my own place.The legacy of sorts would live on through me and through the children I might bring into the world. It's overwhelmingly sad that not one, but several chronic illnesses pulled my life from that road and placed my feet upon one that I would have never chosen freely.

Every once in a while, the gravity of my situation overwhelms me and I feel the full weight of everything upon my shoulders. It colors my whole world grey and I feel listless, unable to control the simplest aspect of my life. When I'm not able to achieve even small goals like straightening a room or running the dishwasher without difficulty, it makes me feel a thousand times more down and worthless. These are the moments when I have to face the reality of chronic illness and my limitations. If I don't, I can't move forward or have any sense of a life at all. In a perfect world, I never would have gotten sick, my brother wouldn't have passed away and my family wouldn't have fallen apart.

In all honesty, it has taken a lot of soul searching, a lot of tears, a ton of anger and many years for me to get to the point where I can deal with what I feel that I've lost. There are times when the grip I have on the depression slips and I end up not wanting to get out of bed. I rant, I rave and I cry until the balance is somewhat restored. It allows me to move forward, concentrating on the more important things in life. I'm not SuperWoman and I don't ever claim to be. I just hope to have a period of time to enjoy this life I have been given, whether I walk a smooth or rough path. 

Maybe my acceptance of limitations isn't as complete as I thought. Maybe I need to spend more time focusing on what I have been able to do while pushing myself just a little more in order to recapture some of the things I've lost. I don't know what the answer really is. I only know that I haven't found a way to do what I feel I need to do nor have I found the answer to keep the depression and disappointment from taking over. For me, it's back to distracting myself with projects that I have to concentrate on so I don't have time to linger over the things I have no ability to change. Which is always going to be on my list of expectations or intentions.

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

Every artist was first an amateur.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Quote of the Day

We can change our lives. We can do, have, and be exactly what we wish.

~ Tony Robbins

Quote of the Day

You are always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past. 

~ Richard Bach

Thank goodness for the weekend.

The weekend looks to be a nice one here. We're supposed to have some mild weather with the possibility of some rain. I hope that if we do have rain, it's some of those soothing showers and not some frantic thunderstorm. I completely hate this time of year whenever we begin to get storms. We don't live in the middle of Tornado Alley but we do have a severe threat through the summer. To be honest, I breathe a huge sigh of relief whenever the seasons turn to Fall. If the weather stays stable over the weekend as I hope, then I'll be able to get a few things done that I've been putting off due to lack of energy or mobility. It would be so awesome to be able to swish through the house and clean from corner to corner of each room. That's a dream that I haven't been able to achieve on my own in a very long time. But today, I'll be happy to have one room in the house completely cleaned and then I can move on from there.

To be honest, I haven't been doing as much as I had last week. When the weather fronts begin to come through my area, my joints seize up and my upper back and neck area feels as though it turns to stone. Even if I have the energy to do anything, I may not have the ability so I do try to take advantage of the moments when I do have both. Those moments sometimes come in the middle of the night. But every little bit helps. In the past week, I have still been working on my many projects. I have managed to finish three books and post the reviews on the other blog. Finally, I began crocheting the hats to match the scarves that I finished last week. One down, three to go. Actually, I am about halfway done with the second one. Even though I haven't been able to revise my novel too much last week, I did do some writing on a couple of new stories.

For now, I feel a nap is in order. I have to catch up on my sleep while the hubby's around. My poor little furkid is having trouble with dry skin, especially around his ears. We've tried soothing shampoos, ointments and making sure his ears stay clean, but with the hot/cold/hot/cold that the weather's been through, it's been difficult to keep him from scratching himself to death. That and he's a night owl just like me anyway. Always wants to play at 2 or 3 am instead of catching up on sleep.

Whatever you find yourself doing this weekend, I hope you have great weather and a wonderful time.
Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

Don't let the fear of striking out hold you back.

~ Babe Ruth

Quote of the Day

Happiness resides not in possessions, and not in gold, happiness dwells in the soul.

~ Democritus

You don't look sick...

To be honest, I haven't heard this in several years because I now have to take oxygen with me wherever I go and my limp is more pronounced. Years prior, I heard this time and again from family, friends and even people who were waiting in the doctor's offices. It's safe to say that after the first dozen times, I grew agitated at hearing that phrase or its cousin - "You're too young to be that sick."

When the average, everyday person thinks of someone being sick, they think of a person in bed with a variety of symptoms that they can see or hear. Or they imagine an outward symbol of illness such as a cast, wheelchair, a missing limb, or anything that would designate a person as ill. However, that's not usually the case with a disease like Fibro or PsA. They are among a group of illnesses often called invisible illnesses because there are no outward signs that another can pick up only by sight. Before I was officially diagnosed and right after, I could still run or clean the house without much difficulty. My affected joints were mostly the feet and my wrists so I could hide them easily. At this time, my psoriasis wasn't as pronounced either. Only my scalp bared the brunt of my illness although a small spot began to show on my right knee. It took me a long time to accept my limitations even though I looked fine.

Fast forward a few years, my hands began to show the damage with sausage digits which are known to be fingers that are swollen and disjointed to look like little sausage. My feet would feel like they were full of glass so walking became difficult. If I didn't feel like hissing in pain with each step, I would try to place my steps with care. As I became more aware of the limits my body was placing on me, I began to make changes in how I do things. My husband was instrumental in convincing me to accept the things that I could no longer do. He knew that long distances were painful for me and would let me off at the door whenever we would go to the store. People would stare at me as I walked with a limp. They stare more now that I have to carry oxygen or try to do something where my hands would be in plain view.

Before the outward signs were visible, even my family had difficulty believing that I was in as much pain as I really was. If it took me too long to do something, I would often see the looks of disbelief and hear the frustration in their voices. Knowing that I couldn't live up to the average expectations made me feel so small and depressed. Then I would push myself to do more than I needed to do in order to keep the disappointment level down, both for them and for myself. A day or two later, I would be feeling the affects of whatever I had done and enter a seemingly endless cycle. This lasted for years until I could no longer pretend that I was a regular person. Either I was going to push myself too far and end up severely hurt or I was going to have to learn to stand up for myself and respect the limits. I'm still learning how far I can push myself, but I've gotten a little better at saying no whenever I know I'm unable to do something. The disappointment still gets to me though.

There is a fabulous story written by a woman who lives with a chronic illness that explains the way thousands of people live with their invisible illnesses. Christine Miserandino wrote the story, "The Spoon Theory," to explain to her friend how it is for a person with an illness to go through their day. Some of the people that I've shared the story with have read it and finally understood why it's difficult for me to just up and do something. Others read it, think they understand, but continue to believe that if I do this or that, I'll be better. If you'd like to read the story, you can click here.

It's been said that life is what you make it. I'm hoping to make mine a more understanding and practical life filled with positivity and determination. No matter what limitations these damned diseases place on me, I'm still pushing forward. I hope you'll do the same.

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

Believe you can and you're halfway there.

~ Theodore Roosevelt

Quote of the Day

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out – “ENOUGH!” This moment is the turning point that leads to success and happiness. 

~ Todd Glasberg

Tired

There was a lot of action here over the weekend. Normally, I don't have too many visitors but I had a grand total of five. Their visits didn't take away all the disappointment that I felt after not being able to attend the baby shower for a very close friend of mine and his girlfriend. Of course, some of them brought me more yarn to feed this addiction to crocheting that I've developed over the years. Thankfully, I have a purpose for these bundles of stringy goodness sitting in totes near me. I can't use the "running out of yarn" excuse for not achieving my goal. So far, I do have three scarves completed and will work on the hats today and tomorrow. I'm hopeful that I can have all three finished so the total of completed sets will rise to 33. Still a lot more to go but I can only go so fast! I'm just grateful that I've been given yarn. I have plenty of time to work on the products.

Other than that, I've been feeling down and blah. I know it's because the weather is nice outside. Whenever there's a swing in the temperatures combined with pleasant days, I'm stuck inside for breathing, Fibro or pain issues. That's the cycle that I've notice a lot of in the past few years. Monday, my sinuses and fibro were competing to see who will be able to give me a migraine first. I can't say for certain which came in first place but I know that it didn't change the end result.

Working my way through the sets and the books for my review blog have kept me pretty busy. On top of that, I've begun revisions on my novel. My goal is to have it revised within a couple of months. I know that I have piled things on my plate higher than I probably should. In all honesty, it's to keep my mind busy so that I don't have to dwell on some of the hard things. When I'm busy, I can put on that mask of "everything's okay" and not have to field a thousand questions otherwise. Unfortunately, that keeps everything inside where it eats away at me until I'm overwhelmed. Releasing those feelings or emotions properly hasn't always been a strong suit of mine. I can say that I have made some improvements but I'm not able to deal with an all-out assault of emotional missiles.

For me, I think this week will be a long one. I haven't been sleeping a lot because of the weather, the dog's schedule and just not being tired when I need to go to sleep. Later in the week, I have to get my blood checked to make sure that I'm still within the levels I need to be. I'm hoping that I don't have to adjust any medicines. I hate doing that. My schedule is weird enough the way it is. Who knows what will happen though? I mean, I had a bunch of visitors this weekend that I didn't expect so why not during the week? Either way, I hope the week is a good one for all of you out there. Stay safe during the rough weather and we'll see each other on the other side.

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

Some of the best lessons we ever learn we learn from our mistakes and failures. The error of the past is the wisdom of the future.

~ Tryon Edwards

Quote of the Day

I cannot always control what goes on outside. But I can always control what goes on inside.  

~ Wayne Dyer

Quote of the Day

It doesn't matter how long we may have been stuck in a sense of our limitations. If we go into a darkened room and turn on the light, it doesn't matter if the room has been dark for a day, a week, or ten thousand years -- we turn on the light and it is illuminated. Once we control our capacity for love and happiness, the light has been turned on.

~ Sharon Salzberg

Still here.

Remember how I mentioned that whenever I do too much, I end up paying for it? Yeah, that happens quite a lot. More often than I really want it to happen. That happened on Tuesday after I helped to clean and organize the office/craft room. I didn't do any of the heavy lifting. No way that could happen. I did most of the sorting and packing of items that were brought to me. Nonetheless, it was enough to make me wake up on Tuesday feeling bruised and battered. Thankfully, all I had planned for the day was to make headway on my crocheting and some reading. I ended up finishing a scarf and starting a second one. If my hands would have cooperated with me more, I could have had both scarves finished with another halfway finished.

Wednesday brought more warm temperatures and humidity which meant my breathing was a bit on the labored side. I've come to accept the fact that whenever the weather shift, I'm going to have trouble. I spent most of the day reading and working my way through the pile of to-read books that I have near me almost all the time. My hands and feet were swollen most of the day so I didn't do as much crocheting as I wanted. The best part of the day was finding the inspiration to begin work on another novel.

Thankfully, the weather front that had been crawling towards our state started to come through my state. I hated the tightness that I felt in my chest but the relief in my hands and feet helped to even things out.That allowed me to get another scarf finished and a third started. I had given myself to the end of the week to work on the crocheting before I had to split my time and attention between that and the revisions I've planned. When I finish the matching hats, that will make 32 complete sets for the kids at the Center.

We received sad news on Thursday and it combined with the rain that fell on Friday made my mood dark. Sleeping all day sounded like an awesome plan. My little furkid had other plans for me. He made sure that I woke up and got to work doing blog posts for my book blog and finding some more quotes for this one. He's a little bossy furkid when he wants to be - especially when he wants his treats. I honestly couldn't imagine my days without him though. He's getting old enough to make me worry over losing him.

Today, I must say happy birthday to my niece! She's grown so much and it makes me feel so old. *sighs* I am so disappointed that I wasn't able to attend the baby shower for a very close family friend and his girlfriend. They're actually more like siblings than friends. They are having the first child soon so the level of excitement is quite high. It definitely would have been fun to get out of the house and spend time with them! I had been saving my spoons for today but combined with all the other things, I'm just stuck. Sad Kay is sad today. My only other plans for the day are to read some more and to begin the revisions on my novel. I really want to have the whole thing done before the end of June. Okay, time to get ready! Have a great weekend.

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

One of the most beautiful gifts in the world is the gift of encouragement. When someone encourages you, that person helps you over a threshold you might otherwise never have crossed on your own.

~ John O'Donohue

Quote of the Day

When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

~ Harriet Beecher Stowe

Psoriatic Arthrits - A Review

When I was still in high school, I began have a lot of pain in my hands and feet. What began as an every once in a while pain soon morphed into a constant, stabbing pain whenever I would be on the move for more than a few hours. Being under 20, I just thought that I had done way too much and kept pushing myself through the pain. That worked well until the day that my brother was diagnosed with a disease called Systemic Lupus Erythematosus. The entire family was tested with my results coming out as inconclusive. From that moment, my life became a series of doctor visits, pills and pain.

Not a lot of information was available about Psoriatic Arthritis when I was diagnosed years later in the late 1990s. Luckily, times have changed. There's been an increase in information as well as medications used to treat the illness since then. Receiving a diagnosis of PsA doesn't have to be a life changer. Working hand in hand with your doctors to discover what works for you can make a huge difference in your quality of life when it comes to living with the disease.

For more thorough information on Psoriatic Arthritis, please click the link below to take you to a post I wrote when I first began this blog.

http://survivingpa.blogspot.com/2011/09/what-is-pa.html

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

~ Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. 

~ C. S. Lewis

Long weekend, short workweek

As I mentioned on Saturday, this weekend was Memorial Day weekend. The actual holiday was on Monday and it was the designated day to honor those fallen armed service members. It's my hope that they be remembered more often than one day by everyone.

It was unseasonably cold over the weekend. That didn't bode well for my PsA and Fibro. On Friday, the weather was so beautiful outside. Sunny and slightly breezy, I so wished that I was able to take advantage of it. Unfortunately, my lovely little pup decided to keep me up all night Friday and most of the day on Saturday. I wasn't able to get all of the restorative sleep that I need to reset the pain and stiffness. When I did get to fall asleep, I woke up around midnight and simply stayed awake to work on some of the crochet projects that I need to get finished by the end of October. I wanted to create a community project in order to help others somehow. Since I am okay with crocheting, the opportunity to make hat/scarf sets for the children of our local behavioral center presented itself. My next project is to create lap blankets for the elderly in area nursing homes.

Sunday was low-key even though everyone else was crazy about the Indianapolis 500 that happened. If I am to be honest, I didn't even bother with a lot of it. I spent the day catching up on reading that I had fallen behind in and made some headway toward finishing at least two books by Wednesday when I do my currently reading post on my other blog. Afterwards, I attempted to do some cleaning. I can often do some general straightening up but deep cleaning alludes me. No matter how hard I want to tear apart a room and clean from corner to corner, I can't anymore. It's just the plain true. The only thing I can do is whatever I can each and every day.

Monday was spent catching up on the blog posts both here and my reading blog. I managed to finish the 30th of 75 hat and scarf sets. I'm about halfway on the 31st scarf. I have given myself until the end of the week to work as many sets as possible before I start revising that novel of mine. I'll post more information about that journey on my other blog. After the rain had moved through Sunday night, I was able to move a little better on Monday. I was able to help with the clearing out/reorganization of the office/craft room. My husband and I have to share a space and unfortunately, my craft items runneth over.

Today, I'm just going to keep working on the crochet and reading. I am also going to start up a small exercise program so that I can lose this weight to help with both my breathing and my arthritis. Until the organization is finished, I can't use the weight machine but I have a small incumbent bike that I think 10 minutes twice a week is a good start. I don't want to overdo anything and cause myself a huge setback. I have done that before and it didn't end well at all. With that, I'm off to get my list of things done. Or as much as I'm able, that is.

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

It is only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on Earth and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it were the only one we had. 

~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Quote of the Day

True friends want nothing from you except the joy of your presence. No matter what you do, they will always be your friend. 

~ Paramahansa Yogananda

Quote of the Day

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Years Day.

~ Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Off to the races.

This weekend is Memorial Day weekend in the US. It's a time when we are supposed to take a few moments to honor the sacrifices that many other men and women have made so that we can sit back, relax with good food and watch a little race called the Indianapolis 500. The race has become quite the tradition in the last few decades. I remember a lot cookouts with family, lots of food and betting who was going to be the winner of the race. There were times when we would guess the correct winner and other times when it really didn't matter.

What I remember most of all is the coming together of family. My parents, siblings, and I would pile into the car and make our way out to my grandmother's house. It was the unspoken official meeting place for all family functions such as birthdays, holidays, special occasions, virtually anything that required family and a good time. My aunt and uncle would bring their families. Soon the entire area was filled with smells, sounds and sights of family.

Those days are memories now in more than one way. Some of the beloved relatives have gone from this physical state. Others are simply too busy with their own lives. Others like me are no longer able to simply make arrangements and show up. There are so many things I have to do in order to leave my house that it takes a long while the day before and day of the event to get ready. Not only do I face that reality but I'm also well aware of the payment I'll make to arthur, aka PsA, for the days after depending on what I actually do during the event.

Times like these, I find myself mourning for the life I had before PsA. At times, all the days and nights run together and I forget what day it is. Without the occasional doctor's appointment and a few distractions, I would simply drift from day to day and not even realize a week or a month has gone by. I do believe renewing these blogs will help me just as much as pushing myself to work on projects for others will help my self-esteem. I have to learn to let the memories guide me and not weigh me down as I go forward.

Have a wonderful weekend no matter where you are.

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars.

~ Khalil Gibran

Quote of the Day

I will! I am! I can! I will actualize my dream. I will press ahead. I will settle down and see it through. I will solve the problems. I will pay the price. I will never walk away from my dream until I see my dream walk away: Alert! Alive! Achieved!

~ Robert H Schuller

Ch-Ch-Changes!

I had restarted this blog for a few reasons. One, I think the information from my daily life could be something that those going through similar issues can relate to on a number of levels. As boring as it may seem to most, I know that I'm not alone in the amount of pain, frustration and isolation that I feel. Also, I think it's good to raise awareness for things that millions of people have to contend with on a daily basis. Maybe with enough attention focused on the problem, something would be done about it. Mostly, I felt ashamed that I had let a passion of mine fall by the wayside while I was going through some really tough periods. As I recovered from some physically and emotionally drained decisions, I realized that I needed to get back into the things that brought me the most joy and also defined me as a person. Writing.

For as long as I can remember, I've always been doing one of two things. Either I have been tucked away in a corner somewhere with a book in my hands or I've been creating stories of anything and everything. As I grew older, those passions were only reinforced and I found myself wanting to be an author so bad I dreamed it nearly every night. Then life got in the way as it usually does and I had to put the writing/reading on the back burner. When I started to get really sick, writing helped me to get through some of the confusion and frustration of having the familiar and dreams torn away from me. I held onto the dream of doing something with the writing through the worst of times that the PsA put me through. I achieved a lifelong goal of writing a novel over the course of seven years while going through all the tests, medicines and what-ifs.

Once my brother became seriously ill during a Lupus flare, I turned again to my writing to help me through. I had to keep focused on something other than the fact he might not make it through this time. I was able to maintain that distraction until the moment he slipped away from us. After that, it's taken me nearly 6 years to let myself feel enough to write again. In recent months, I have made the decision to take a leap of faith and do something with the writing no matter how much pain and health trouble I have. I will have my dream some how, some way.

Because I have rekindled the fire for this blog and have started a book review blog, I have made the decision to stagger the posts. The only exception will be my daily quote posts. They will go up as usual. My updates here will be on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday with the other days being reserved for my book blog. Of course, holidays will make the calendar weird but we'll deal with it.

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.

~ Edward Everett Hale

Waiting on rain.

It's bright and shiny outside with a strong breeze. If I were anyone without the PsA and other lovely diagnoses, I'd be out there enjoying the day. Maybe I could be doing some gardening or even taking a walk around the block. Unfortunately, these pleasant days will be spent inside the house near a fan or a/c unit and trying not to cry from pain.

For many years now, I've been a walking barometric pressure indicator. I can feel when there is the slightest change in pressure as my level of pain goes up a day or two before rain systems come my way. That pain can last for up to a day after the rain has left. Then the cycle begins again and again. So I am stuck here today with just my computer and other distractions at my side to help me try and forget the pain.

It doesn't help that I had to go without my anti-inflammatory meds for a little while. Something with the insurance and I have to pay a pricey sum for it. Sometimes it's not a big deal. Other times, it is just a fact of life that I have to live with. And I do because I don't really have much else that I can do about it. Still, it makes for a pretty hard day when the weather's shifting. Luckily, these times are rare and I tend to bounce back after a week of medicine back into my system. Well, I come back into a level of pain that I can ignore on a daily basis.

As I wait on the rain, I'm going to try and do some reading. Maybe even a little crocheting will be done. We'll just have to wait and see.

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world. Not even our troubles.

~ Charles Chaplin

Quote of the Day

Be patient with yourself. Self-growth is tender; it's holy ground. There's no greater investment. 

~ Stephen Covey

Hello again.

Due to overwhelming circumstances beyond my control, I had to leave the blogging world behind for a short period of time. There were a number of things that I needed to work out. Most of them I have made a lot of progress but some of the major hurdles are still a good distance in the future to be dealt with. I suppose that I'll deal with them when they pop up . Until then, I am content to distract myself with a number of different projects. So what have I been doing in the time away?

Let's see. In September 2012, I decided to take my writing more seriously. I've always been a writer of sorts. I often created short stories and poetry while novel length creations seemed to allude me. Before this year, it had taken me nearly seven years to complete a novel from beginning to end. That doesn't include the editing and revision process either! I attended my first writer's conference that month as well. 2012 was also the year in which I actually submitted a short story and poem for publication in a local e-magazine. To my delight, they were both published!

During the month of November 2012, I participated in the annual NaNoWriMo contest. For those who don't know what that is, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month (www.nanowrimo.org). Throughout the entire month, millions of would-be authors spend hours to reach the goal of having written 50,000 words. I have been attempted it on and off since 2005. Unfortunately, my success rate isn't very good as I have only "won" twice in the past seven years. However, this last year gave me the basis of a novel that I continued working on well past the end of November. In fact, I completed the novel in its entirety in April of this year. I have been quite pleased and shocked that I was able to finish one in six months!

Also during the later part of 2012, I decided that I wanted to do something community related in the honor of my brother's memory. Due to some unforeseen complications, what I had intended and the end result are slightly different but the essential desire is the same. I want to give back to those less fortunate in the community, especially the children, elderly and soldiers/veterans. My brother was huge on helping those groups and I'd like to carry on his giving nature. So I decided that I would help create hat and scarf sets for our local children's center. They have a 61 bed facility which is nearly always full, if not overflowing at times. Therefore, I set my goal at 75. Currently, I stand at 27 completed sets and have continued working through them one stitch at a time. My friends and family have been gracious enough to donate yarn, hats and their encouragement to keep me going.

Recently I have begun a second blog where I will be posting reviews of books that I have read. I have been entering giveaways where a requirement is to review the book and thought this was a perfect opportunity to expand on my love (okay, addiction) of words. You can find it at http://confessionsofawordaddict.blogspot.com/ and I do hope you enjoy it.

Other things have been going on, especially with my health, but I am going to save that for another day. My hands are going to revolt against me if I continue to push them. Hope you all have a wonderful and painless day!

Until next time,
Kay

Quote of the Day

"The manner in which one endures what must be endured is more important than the thing that must be endured.” 

~ Dean Acheson