and release. After posting about what I was feeling, I do have to admit that I do feel better. Thanks to a few wonderful friends, I also joined a group online where I felt safe enough to "talk" about the jumbledness I was feeling. I know that I couldn't just go into a group of people and start pouring out what I was feeling. For whatever reason, the connection between my brain and mouth doesn't always work as well as I want it to. In my opinion, I tend to sound silly as I try to explain the little stuff instead of getting to the point. Quite similar to Sheldon on 'The Big Bang Theory' television show. Well, I'm not a genius but you get the point.
I'm definitely grateful that I able to express myself better through writing. Whether I am using the computer, typewriter (oh yeah, old school) or simple pen and paper (way old school), I can get my ideas and words just right. If I have to say them first, I'm screwed. Public speaking has almost always been my enemy. Probably will always be since I tend to avoid it unless I absolutely have to. It is possible for me to speak to small groups of about 10 or so. Going any higher and it's xanax central. Okay, that's exaggerating it a bit. It's still hard for me to do it anyway. It's why I tend to email, message, chat and write letters instead of talking on the phone or in person.
In all honesty, it's just another part of the puzzle that is me. Writing does help me get some of my messed up feelings out of my head. My journals are filled with my doubts, sadness and what I think are failures. When they're not taking up space in my head, I honestly feel better and clearer. If I try and stay focused on the positive, I'm able to keep some of the depression away. I don't really want to be on another medication since I already take enough to be annoyed with them. Not to mention the fact that the last time I was on an anti-depressant, I just didn't feel like me. I felt odd. Yeah, I know. Me? Odd? But it's true. I seemed like I was faking it more than living it. With time, I probably would have adjusted to the medication. Unfortunately it was my body's decision to revolt against the meds. I had to stop taking it because my heart would race uncontrollably whenever I would take the pill. So I have had to find ways to battle the dang depression without medication.
At first, I would just retreat from everyone and everything. I would delve into my world of words and not come up for air, food, anything. After my brother passed away, I was powerless against the depression. It literally swallowed me alive. For about two and a half years, I drifted. I relied on the anxiety medication to just get me through the hours that I needed to be awake. I barely remember much of anything that's not written down in my journal. It took my family circling the wagons and checking on me a lot for me to wake up from the fog. I have been making my way back to my path ever since. Even today, I'm learning how to cope or deal with situations that I used to run from. I hate confrontation and yet, I hate being used more. So I have had to learn to make a boundary and enforce it. I am still learning to recognize when I'm not being a good person or when I'm hurting others. It's not easy to say that I'm wrong. But if I want others to treat me well, I have to fix myself.
So that's kind of been what's on my mind for a couple of days. Nothing too exciting other than a bunch of reflection and trying to become a better me. I don't know if it's just because of the newly started year or because I'll be hitting the dreaded "middle aged" title this year on my birthday. Either, I'm sort of glad to be making these decisions. I don't want to be hurtful. Never have wanted that. Now is a chance for me to be the person I want to be. Going to finish the day playing with my pup and finishing up a crochet project for a friend of mine. Medical updates probably at the end of the week. We'll see how it works out.
Until next time,
Kay
1 comment:
Hey sweetie, sending you a big hug, I've gone through my own personal hell not so long ago as you know, I can't say I understand what you are going through, because everyone goes through it so very differently, but I remember what I went through for the longest time, and it was so so tough. Although my outlook on life is naturally on the positive side, every day pain, illness, focus on illness, new illness....will throw anyone into that black hole...Its certainly no failure to feel this way even though society still raises an eyebrow at it. I'm not sure how I got out of it, except taking very small steps...thinking of one good thing every day to begin with, and doing one small meaningful task I enjoyed each day, most days that was just playing with my dog :) As I have grown older and more in tune with what I need to cope with my life, I've found that mindfullness therapy works wonderfully...and I still play the gladness game too, Now, I find it easier to fill my thoughts with happy and there is no room left for the sadness, my life is still the same, my mind works differently..I still get upset, but I have plans in place to dissolve it. Sometimes when I seem the happiest, I'm struggling the most, but, thinking the happy, leads me to quickly become happy. its a lot of work, I won't kid you, but it does work... I keep praying that you find your own way of climbing out of the darkness. I was wondering if maybe keeping a happiness, or gladness journal will help? Without stopping your other journal. Fill it with pictures or thoughts or words that lift you up. I agree writing, journalling is one of the best ways to get it all out....and a special friend who truly understands you deep down to your core. Tight hugs, xx Sarah
Post a Comment