The past few days I have really felt bad. Despite the wonderfully warm and usual high temps we've had, I have been in stiffness, achy mode. I think it's due in large part to the fact depression has reared its head again. For the past 8 years or so, I've really been aware that I fall into bouts of depression pretty easily. With all that's happened in my life, it wouldn't be so hard to believe that I'd be depressed from time to time. The biggest step I've taken in quite a long while is to even admit that I have a problem with it. I don't know if I'll take anything for it at this point. However, I will be talking to my doctor about it when I see him next.
Believe it or not, depression still carries a major amount of stigma in today's society. Even with all the ads on tv about Prozac, Wellbutrin and other anti-depressants, talking about having the disease is a no-no for a lot of people. Mental illnesses get such huge amounts of shame in our society. I love the campaign that states you take care of illnesses in the body, why not illnesses of the mind? There should be no shame in reaching out for help when your depressed or experiencing any symptom of mental illness. Of course, not everyone is going to agree with me and that's fine. I'm happy to have found people who do.
This month is hard on me because it contains my brother's birthday. I know that his passing has affected me a huge amount because he was one of my closest friends as well as the first person close to me to pass away. It was hard to watch him slip away and then deal with the grief that followed. Some of that grief still gets me even today. Subconsciously, I suspect part of my depression is due to that. Combine the stresses and pressures of our economy, the weight of obligations and the pain and limitations of a chronic illness together and you'll have a pretty thorough recipe for depression. Most times I'm able to fight it off by making the decision to be upbeat. I have a little book of affirmations and quotes that I read through when I start to feel down. It does work well except for the times when the depression is deeper than first thought.
Over the last couple of years, I've been trying to become more aware of myself and my moods. I really am fighting the idea of being on anymore medications. I practically take a pharmacy already. My doctors have all told me at different times that if I feel that I need something, don't hesitate to tell them. While I appreciate their willingness to help me, I want to be able to feel and only use medication as a last resort. For too long I have ran away from the things that might have caused me discomfort and hurt. They come back time and time again. I believe in my heart that now is the time to face them, deal with the issues and find a way to move past them to learn whatever lesson I'm supposed to. I honestly couldn't have done this 2 or 3 years ago. Now I think I'm strong enough. It definitely helps to have a good support system to get me through the ups and downs. I'm super glad that my husband is willing to look past my mood swings and just be with me. It took me a long time to be open enough with him about how I feel. Still takes a lot to admit to him when I'm going back down the depression road.
It's not easy to live with depression. Every time I try to force a smile or a happy-go-lucky attitude, I feel like I'm faking. That makes it worse and thus the cycle continues downward. Sometimes I can tell the signs of depression coming on for me. When I recognize them, I'll stay away from things that I know will make it worse for me. Things like the news, sappy movies or movies about someone being sick, books containing any kind of medical situation and/or death and sad songs of all kinds are just a few. Most times I will watch cartoons or funny movies to distract me from feeling sad. I have a journal that I keep offline. I turn to it when I feel the pressure/weight bearing down on me. I can trust the pen and paper to just let me ramble without judgement. Once I empty myself of the thoughts/feelings, I feel better. Since I love to write, that journal is often times my lifeline.
Millions of people do experience or have experienced depression at some point in their lives. It is more of a rarity to find someone who hasn't had a moment or two of the blues. It's nothing to be ashamed of or to hide away. Keeping the feelings tucked deep down only allows the feelings to grow and fester like an unwanted weed. You have to pluck it out to keep yourself free to grow. If you're experiencing depression, you're not alone in the least. I, for one, am right there with you. Don't be afraid to reach out to someone for help. That's what I have learned to do. It's hard - so very hard at times. Yet, it's worth it. You are worth it. You matter in this world.
Until next time,
Kay
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